Miss Kade

Freebird

2010-12-07T22:51:00.002-05:00

Tonight I did something I rarely do. I rolled the windows down on the way home from Parish Council on the Expressway and turned my radio up. I was lucky enough to hear the new Tim McGraw song as the chilly air hit my face. It felt grand. I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner. It seems most of my travel time to point A or B is spent glancing down at the clock, wondering why I can't make it there faster or how many meals I can make out of the ingredients I have in the fridge for the week so to avoid the grocery store pit stop. But very rarely, do I just relax and enjoy it. I wonder why.

Instead of anxious thoughts, I found myself recapping the good times spent with fellow council members this past year on the way home. A compliment someone gave me on my hair. A genuine smile and handshake from a new member, a hug from our joyous office secretary. The way I introduced myself and what I chose to share about my life to the boardroom. I noticed there's a lot to be happy for tonight.

And then the thoughts shift from everything else about my day, to one thing. Ryan. The loving smile that will greet me from the couch when I walk into the room. The snug fit of his arms around me. The pillow that lies next to me that assures me that is where he will lay his head this evening. Everyone wants to know how married life is. That is my answer. He's still all I want to think about. We don't always have the same interests, we don't always play fair when we bicker. But I don't really care. He's the one who is always tugging at me to roll down the windows. It feels grand.

Top Things I'm Obsessed with at the Moment...

2010-07-07T12:38:00.002-04:00

R-Y-A-N
Buttery, Salty Bagels
Berries
Lovesick by Lindstrom & Christobelle
Summertime by Kenny Chesney
We Went Out Last Night by Kenny Chesney
Cruising to Clearwater Beach after mass on Saturday nights
SUN
Laughing like no time has passed with old friends (yes that means you!)
Sangria
Getting better at taking pictures
ELF - Eyes Lips Face
Short, airy sundresses
New fuchsia nail polish
Work -- believe it or not ornaments are actually fun
Dancing with the girls
Dancing with Ryan
Cranberry juice with a smidge of water added
Working out legs and abs
Rolling Kasey over the floor -- he freaking loves it
"Come on sucker lick my battery"/ Binary solo -- FOTC
NOT doing any planning for the wedding =0P
Getting ideas for "our" house
Telling Ryan I'm moving in, in X number of days and watching his eyes roll
Telling Ryan he's crazy
Magazines
Trying to stay on top of shaving my legs rather than being an ape
Funky new hairstyles
Flip flops
Planning girl's weekend
Linux Journal
Colored lights
Large glass bottles of odd shapes and sizes
Talking geek
Singing -- again and wanting to get better
Keeping up with my Facebook
Pro-Health Mouth Rinse -- Green kind -- exhilarating!
Getting things for super cheap
Experimental cooking
Hawaii - I must daydream 20 times a day about laying on the beach without a care in the world...

Change

2010-05-29T21:24:00.004-04:00

It has been a few months since I've last blogged. Truth is, life has changed. All of it. On March 13th, 2010 at approximately 6:45pm Ryan got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

Things haven't been the same since. Overwhelmed with joy and equipped with a sincere determination to marry the man I met back in January of last year, I've started to plan the day we will become one person. You know it's funny...I never thought it would feel quite like it does. It's taken up until about a few weeks ago to have any of it feel real to me. With the weight of school on my shoulders, I couldn't allow myself to get too caught up in the excitement. Now that the stress is gone, the door is open to allow myself to fall in. It's been such an awakening. I never realized how stressful, how busy things would become in such a few short months. It's put a strain on every area of my life -- even my relationship with Ryan. Although there are spats here and there, I am confident this incredible juggling act we've been performing will only bring us closer together. As excited as I am to become 'one' I am much more excited to be 'one.'

Tonight is also my first day back from West Virgina. It was incredible to see all the places where Ryan grew up. His first school, his church, his childhood home. Where he played after school, where he peed off a cliff. You name it. I now know it all.

After a week of solid togetherness, it feels nice to be back in our town where I have all of my firsts. Tonight I felt such a need to sing. It's been a while, as I've been so busy. But I open my mouth and the vocal chords go to work. What a release from all the pent up emotions. What a blessing to be able to express it all through my favorite medium. I sometimes wonder how the songs will change. You know how songs chronicle your life at that particular moment. At least, I am that way. It's astounding to think at this very moment next year I will be in a different house with a different name.

I thank God, I've been fortunate to find the life that I have. I know it's no accident, I am very much aware that I could not have built this by myself. God is the master artist and what a picture He has given me to gaze upon! I feel so guilty as He has had to take 2nd priority some days and nights. I miss reading in depth. But I will make an effort to pick that back up this summer. I feel like more than anything my life is becoming ministry. The small chances I am able to have at work or walking down the aisles of the supermarket to share the love of Christ will have to suffice over volunteering long hours. But I have the hope of one day soon tacking that back on too...we will have to see.

What else? Programming is chugging along. I will begin looking for internships somewhat soon. But even though I feel confident in programming, reading job requirements I feel quite confident shooting for Unix/Linux as well. I am amazed how much I have absorbed in just a short year and a half. My geekdom is growing! But I thirst for more! I will have the summer off (as my courses are not offered in the summer that I need). I will pick up COBOL, VB, and Systems Analysis in the Fall, with the capstone grad course in the Spring. May 2011 should hold a degree for me. I can then start looking at FSU and other schools for online bachelor degree programs. Probably leaning towards FSU at this point pending a trip to Tallahassee. We will have to see.

Other than that, just sitting back enjoying the view. I wouldn't bet on blog posts at the rate I typically post as I am losing my grip on ample computer time these days. After the wedding and honeymoon perhaps! =0)

Hope all is well...

C YA IE6

2010-02-01T23:40:00.001-05:00

My inbox tonight held a loving message for me...from the boys at thinkgeek that make my heart pitter patter...[they wrote]...

Oh frabjous day!

In a missive that made designerds and code monkeys everywhere swoon with Valentiney love, our sweetheart Google announced they would stop supporting IE6. Or as our codeslingers call it, IE666. Google pulled out their vorpal blades and with a snicker-snack, they left IE6 dead. Hearing the news was just like being in high school and getting a pass out of P.E. We are chortling with joy. Callooh! Callay! We love you, Google. Muah! Now, if you could only do something about Comic Sans and Papyrus fonts...

Lord of the Dance..

2010-01-10T23:18:00.002-05:00

Every mass is mass, so every mass is wonderful and holy. But every now and then I come across one that really awakens my soul from its typical rut. Today held one of those masses. Our music director played a song and I just couldn't help but smile right in the middle of it from the joy and love God poured into me throughout it this morning...my cup runneth over, Lord...Yours is truly the greatest love story..

I danced in the morning when the world was begun
I danced in the Moon & the Stars & the Sun
I came down from Heaven & I danced on Earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth:

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!

I danced for the scribe & the pharisee
But they would not dance & they wouldn't follow me
I danced for fishermen, for James & John
They came with me & the Dance went on:

I danced on the Sabbath & I cured the lame
The holy people said it was a shame!
They whipped & they stripped & they hung me high
And they left me there on a cross to die!

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body & they thought I'd gone
But I am the Dance & I still go on!

They cut me down and I leapt up high
I am the Life that'll never, never die!
I'll live in you if you'll live in Me -
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!

Netiquette

2009-12-28T18:51:00.000-05:00

The anthem of internet use:

http://www.albion.com/netiquette/corerules.html

The road to heaven may not be a road at all...

2009-12-02T16:37:00.002-05:00

Last night was the last Parish Council meeting of the year. Very soon, old members will pass on to other ministries and tasks in the church and new members will try their best to learn the ropes and tackle the needs of our active, ever-growing parish.

Truth be told, I fell into Parish Council. I didn't seek it out necessarily. A parishioner I knew from Saturday night mass was manning the Parish Council booth at our ministry fair last year and tried to rope me in. Not wanting to let his generosity and kindness down, I said sure and signed my name to a sign up sheet. I really had no idea what I was signing up for. I didn't even think that it would lead to an election or my actual induction into it all, I just thought I was being nice. Little did I know, God had a plan for me.

My very first meeting came and it was time to nominate officers. We already had a president, a vice-president - all that was needed was a secretary. The room grew silent, no one budged. I looked up straight down at the other end of the table to our priest with piercing, bright blue eyes. He just stared. Not knowing what to do or say, I just said "Okay! I'll do it Father! Just stop staring!" Laughter, followed by perplexed looks exchanged between other members, filled the room. They must have been thinking, "what in the world is this 20-something year old thinking?" Asked once more if anyone else had interest, no one said anything, so that was that. I had the job!

I've now spent a year bringing my trusty little Mac to every meeting, typing like the wind and coordinating the minutes and agendas for our meetings. I didn't really feel like I was doing much, I felt like I wasn't really serving in a big way. But I realized last night as our president and a few others thanked me for jumping in when nobody else did, that it might not be the biggest job, but it needed to be done. It felt good to know that I contributed my talents the best I could.

As our old members finished their thank-yous and goodbyes up, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. They helped me to see what a parish is really made up of...people. Real, genuine human beings with problems and faults, smiles and laughs, treasures and talents. In one word, family. I feel incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to serve along side brothers and sisters in Christ such as these. And I really feel such a connection to them. We may not share but one meal a week together, but there is such a bond between Christians with the Holy Spirit at work within them. I came into this Council hoping to bless others, but instead I've found, the blessing was really intended for me. =0)

Proof that you get taken on Black Friday...

2009-11-26T01:13:00.003-05:00

I laugh every year when I hear people that people are going to wake up at 3am and camp outside the store in line in order to get "deals" that "just aren't available" all the other days of the year. I decided to do a little research and sure enough..my theories are right. Most of the time, retailers just mark up the price of the product in order to make it look like you are getting some great deal (50% off!!) when. indeed, you are really only getting 20% at best...

Proof in the pudding...look at the original prices here between JCPenny and Sears..

Sears:
http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_031D5275000P?vName=Clothing&cName=Juniors&sName=Dresses

JCPenny:
http://www2.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?DeptID=50455&CatID=51773&GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=16e821d&attrtype=&attrvalue=&CMID=50455|51280&Fltr=&Srt=&QL=F&IND=13&cmVirtualCat=&CmCatId=50455|51280|51773

Really?? THAT was 84.00 originally when JCPenny had it for 50.00 originally?? Hmm something doesn't add up.

Have fun shopping...

Final Project code as promised - C#

2009-08-11T21:49:00.005-04:00

It only took me 3 months to post...good Lord I need to stop being so busy with life..

Screenshots and code below (all graphics are mine too - P.S. I know - my commentation needs word =0P )

/*
* File: XtremeCinema
* Description: Final Project (excludes chapt 7 - uploaded chpt 7 as its own project)
* Programmer: Kade
* Source: Used text and website examples as a guide
*/
using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.ComponentModel;
using System.Data;
using System.Drawing;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Windows.Forms;

namespace XtremeCinema
{
public partial class xtremeForm : Form
{
//set class variables
decimal rentalRate = 0.0m;
decimal totalRentalRate = 0.0m;
decimal discount = 0.0m;
int customerCount = 0;
decimal subtotal = 0.0m;

public xtremeForm()
{
InitializeComponent();
}

private void calcButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//verify movie text box has data in it and a vhs/dvd radio button is checked
if ((movieTitleTextBox.Text != "") && ((vhsRadioButton.Checked == true) || (dvdRadioButton.Checked == true)))
{
//figure out the rental rate
rentalRate = findRentalRate();

//check to see if member discount is given and calculate special price
if (memberCheckBox.Checked == true)
{
discount = (rentalRate * .10m);
totalRentalRate = (rentalRate - discount);
//add to subtotal
subtotal = subtotal + totalRentalRate;

//displays amount saved, rental fee, and total cost of item
discountTextBox.Text = discount.ToString("C");
rentalFeeTextBox.Text = rentalRate.ToString("C");
costTextBox.Text = totalRentalRate.ToString("C");

//disable user access to member field until it is a new customer (order completed)
memberCheckBox.Enabled = false;
}
else
{
//set regular price and add to subtotal

totalRentalRate = rentalRate;
subtotal = subtotal + totalRentalRate;
//display the rental fee, total cost of item
rentalFeeTextBox.Text = rentalRate.ToString("C");
costTextBox.Text = totalRentalRate.ToString("C");
}

}
else
{
//Displays an error message
MessageBox.Show("You are missing data!", "Insufficient Data", MessageBoxButtons.OK, MessageBoxIcon.Information);
}
}

//Method for finding rentalRate

private decimal findRentalRate()
{
decimal rentCost = 0;
//method calculates and returns rental rate

//checks to see if new release rate applies
if (newReleaseCheckBox.Checked == true)
{
//checks to see if vhs new release rate applies
if (vhsRadioButton.Checked == true)
{
rentCost = 2.00m;
return (rentCost);
}
//checks to see if dvd new release rate applies
else
{
rentCost = 3.00m;
return (rentCost);
}
}
else
{
//checks to see if regular vhs rate applies
if (vhsRadioButton.Checked == true)
{
rentCost = 1.80m;
return (rentCost);
}
//checks to see if regular dvd rate applies
else
{
rentCost = 2.50m;
return (rentCost);
}
}

}

private void clearButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//clear fields for next order

movieTitleTextBox.Clear();
vhsRadioButton.Checked = false;
dvdRadioButton.Checked = false;
rentalFeeTextBox.Clear();
discountTextBox.Clear();
costTextBox.Clear();
newReleaseCheckBox.Checked = false;
rentalRate = 0.0m;
discount = 0.0m;

}

private void completeButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//Prompt user verification

DialogResult confirmDialogResult = MessageBox.Show("Start a new order?", "Order complete", MessageBoxButtons.YesNo, MessageBoxIcon.Question);

//if the user confirms, all items are cleared

if (confirmDialogResult == DialogResult.Yes)
{

//re-enable the member field for new customer and enable summary
memberCheckBox.Enabled = true;

summaryButton.Enabled = true;

movieTitleTextBox.Clear();
vhsRadioButton.Checked = false;
dvdRadioButton.Checked = false;
rentalFeeTextBox.Clear();
discountTextBox.Clear();
costTextBox.Clear();
memberCheckBox.Checked = false;
newReleaseCheckBox.Checked = false;
rentalRate = 0.0m;
discount = 0.0m;

// Increment customerCount
customerCount++;

}
}

private void summaryButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//Show the SummaryForm

//declaring a variable and instantiating the new object
SummaryForm aSummaryForm = new SummaryForm();

//Load values
aSummaryForm.TotalSales = subtotal;
aSummaryForm.CustomerTotal = customerCount;

//Show the new form
aSummaryForm.ShowDialog();
}

private void exitButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//End the project
this.Close();
}

private void aboutToolStripMenuItem_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//create new instance of about box
AboutBox1 aboutForm = new AboutBox1();

//Show the new about box
aboutForm.Show();

}

private void colorToolStripMenuItem_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//Changes form's Forecolor
colorDialog1.Color = this.BackColor;

//Display dialog box
colorDialog1.ShowDialog();

//Assign new color
this.BackColor = colorDialog1.Color;
}

private void fontToolStripMenuItem_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//Change Movie Title's font

//Display dialog box
fontDialog1.ShowDialog();

//set movTitleLbl font
movTitleLbl.Font = fontDialog1.Font;

}

private void lookupButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//Show the AisleForm

//declaring a variable and instantiating the new object
AisleForm anAisleForm = new AisleForm();
//Show the new form
anAisleForm.ShowDialog();

}
}
}

AISLE FORM:

using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.ComponentModel;
using System.Data;
using System.Drawing;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Windows.Forms;

namespace XtremeCinema
{
public partial class AisleForm : Form
{
//declare array that holds category locations

string[] locationArray = {"Aisle 1", "Aisle 2", "Aisle 3", "Aisle 4", "Aisle 5", "Back Wall"};

//declare class variables

int indexInteger = 0;

public AisleForm()
{
InitializeComponent();
}

private void searchButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//look up category
indexInteger = genreComboBox.SelectedIndex;
//display location in displayLbl.Text
displayLbl.Text = locationArray[indexInteger];

}

private void okButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
this.Close();
}
}
}

SPLASH FORM:
using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.ComponentModel;
using System.Data;
using System.Drawing;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Windows.Forms;

namespace XtremeCinema
{
public partial class SplashForm : Form
{
public SplashForm()
{
InitializeComponent();
}

private void timer1_Tick(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//Close splash screen
this.Close();
}

private void SplashForm_Load(object sender, EventArgs e)
{

}

}
}

SUMMARY FORM:

using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.ComponentModel;
using System.Data;
using System.Drawing;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Windows.Forms;

namespace XtremeCinema
{
public partial class SummaryForm : Form
{
//set up local variables
decimal subtotal;
int customerCount;

//setting values in SummaryForm
public decimal TotalSales
{
set
{
subtotal = value;
}

}

public int CustomerTotal
{
set
{
customerCount = value;
}
}

public SummaryForm()
{
InitializeComponent();
}

private void SummaryForm_Activated(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//display data

totalTextBox.Text = subtotal.ToString("C");
customerTextBox.Text = customerCount.ToString("N");
}

private void okButton_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
{
//Close summary form
this.Close();
}

}
}

1st Project for Photoshop

2009-08-11T21:22:00.002-04:00

Well, finally I got around to messing around with Photoshop tonight..here are the before and after shots.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Somedays...

2009-07-24T00:36:00.002-04:00

Some nights when I lay my head down on my pillow, I am actively aware of how truly blessed I am. Not only am I so gosh darned lucky enough to have a roof over my head, a full belly, fresh pjs and sheets, and a hoard of other 'things', I have a truly unique God. I am so very touched when I really sit and think about how much He loves us and how much He must have loved me to have carved my days out like He has. I have a few select people in my life (family, friends), that when I sit and think about them..I could honestly cry at the beauty and purity of the love I have for them. And what's even more, is that I never doubt that they have the same exact love for me. So tonight, I will fall asleep with another ritual nightly prayer, "Thank You, Lord..."

So much for working out...

2009-07-19T21:16:00.002-04:00

My newest obsession...

Work it

2009-07-06T18:33:00.003-04:00

Forgot how much fun working out is...

and yes I did for real..here is proof! Day 1...hopefully there is a Day 2. =0P

Last month or so..

2009-06-10T15:28:00.003-04:00

I've been too busy to blog..but I think you can do the math from the pictures to figure out where I am (or sometimes wishing I was). ;0)

This Summer...

2009-05-04T12:37:00.003-04:00

My list of things to accomplish this Summer:

*Create and hang artwork for both my rooms
*Completely reorganize and summer-ize my closet
*Buy a new machine I will partition with Linux
*^^ Master the basic principles of Linux
*Read the 3 Scott Hahn books stacked up on my dresser for a year
*Take a vacation
*Throw a bbq
*Work out twice a week to p90x
*Buy new running shoes and at least attempt running and/or basketball
*Save money =0)
*Hook up the Nintendos in my second room and get my Mario on
*Learn/master photoshop
*Add some new recipes to my cooking cache (I need to learn how to roast)
*Catch up with my best friend all stinking ready!!
*Be more active in helping others = SVDP + soup kitchen please =0)
*Buy my mom new dishes
*Take up drawing/painting with Ryan ;0)
*Fall madly in love with God again every single day =0)

It's a big list, but now that I'll have a little more time..I'd like to make some serious headway on things I have been putting off. Make a list for yourself too. Everyone needs goals. =0)

I am the worst blogger ever...

2009-04-08T12:48:00.015-04:00

I know..I'm terribly out of touch here on Miss Kade lately. I have no good excuses, I'm just a busy slacker. =0P

Here's a glimpse of what I've been up to the last few weeks...

Tripping down to Sarasota...

Rode around the block..with a dirtbike helmet on...elgh...

Celebrated mass at another beautiful parish in our diocese, St. Thomas Aquinas..

Decided to take up scrapbooking...

Got a bunch of bath stuff from Lush..

Caught up with a really good old friend (funny we're both still nuts)..

Consumed massive quantities of Cici's pizza..they never should've opened one in Citrus Park..

Fell madly in love with our Maker once again..

"For our God is an all-consuming fire..." -Hebrews 12:29

Last Week...

2009-03-18T12:37:00.008-04:00

Last week I..

Enjoyed some Smurf...

Had cheesy bread and salad...

Layed out by the pool with Ryan and Mike..

Bought an old fashioned Checkers game (remember these from childhood??)...

Made a Jacob's Ladder with my daddy...

Went to Palm Pavillion for the first time (and had a little too much of a rum runner)...

Last week I...

2009-03-09T23:22:00.007-04:00

Last week I..

Got two cute shirts for the price of one...(I'm frugal..NOT cheap ;0P )

Got some plain colored shirts for work (burn your eyes out kinds of colors..but they are really soft)...

Got an awesome new watch (I bought a lot of stuff apparently..but it was all cheap..no really..watch = 8.50)...

Tried Japanese beer (and I liked!) and Japanese soup and salad (soup was good at first..then later tasted like a shoe)...

Another repost so you can laugh at 19-year old kade

2009-03-08T23:28:00.002-04:00

For the record...I want to put in writing what I want in a guy..are you ready for this?! I'm entirely serious so pay close attention..

I want a guy who thinks the sun rises and sets on me.

I want a guy who is consistent in what he feels for me. If he flip flops over what he feels..he's out. Truth is always consistent.

I want a guy who strives to be the model of a Christian man for me.

I want a guy who lets me be soft. Sometimes I need to just be vulnerable and have my heart on my sleeve.

I want a guy who lets me vent. He doesn't have to offer a big bunch of words at the end, just respond so that I know he was listening.

I want a guy that goes the extra mile. Surprising me cause I wanna surprise him!

I want a guy that just can't stand to be away from me. He has to be near, he has to be involved in my life.

I want a guy who is excited to be partners with me in ministry. We don't have to be the head leaders of a church or anything, but whatever God calls us to, and He will call us to something, He should be excited for that and excited to pursue that with me.

I want a guy who values prayer life. That should be his number one source of advice..hands down. No big decisions without running it through the One first.

I want a guy who reveres wisdom. He can't be snappy. I rely on wisdom and God to give me wisdom. I don't make a snap judgement or decision at the drop of a hat..so he can't either or it will DRIVE ME NUTS!

I want a guy I can feel right about at night. This requires some explaining. But when things are right, when I lay down, finish my prayer, and take one last big sigh before falling asleep..I will get a feeling of assurance. I will be able to feel that my life is as it should be. I want that with him too. This may take work..but I can't compromise on this.

I want a guy that is stylish and that will let me dress him up because he wants to wear what I want =0).

I want a guy that thinks my smile can turn night to day.

I want a guy who respects me, so much so that he is willing to tell me no when I'm at my most vulnerable state, even though he really wants to say yes.

I want a guy who can go without talking to me for a couple of days or weeks..or however long..and then finally talks to me and breaks down and confesses although he can restrain himself, he doesn't wanna even try.

I want a guy who comes up beside me and puts his arm around my waist so that he can hold me near to him, not to slide his hand down a notch to my butt so he can steal a feel.

I want a guy who tells me "belt it babey" when I'm singing like a dork in the car.

I want a guy who isn't ashamed of how he feels about me in front of his friends.

I want a guy who can look me straight in the eye, being completely silent while at the same time still telling me everything I need to know.

I want a guy I can trust.

I want a guy I can tell anything to and he's still just as proud of me as he was before he knew my dirt.

I want a guy who thinks I'm beautiful and cannot keep his hands off of me *in a good way* even when my hair is back in a braid or piled on top of my head in a mess, my eyeliner is all smushed, my concealer is all blotched off, and my stomach is bloated and making odd sounds lol.

I want a guy who wants to hear what I have to say and pays attention like nothing else matters.

I want a guy who can take my advice and use it.

I want a guy who is man enough to admitt he was wrong.

I want a guy who loves and respects my family and my puppies..and knows and accepts that kasey is my #1 little man and no one will ever come between us..even if he is less hairy.

I want a guy who thinks about what he says and how it will affect me before he says it.

I want a guy who believes the same about me about everything: family, God, abortion, the law, and just general right and wrong.

I want a guy who will stand up for me even if he'd rather me learn to stand up for myself.

I want a guy who knows my worth and realizes only God could have put me in his life, not luck.

I want a guy who loves Jesus just as much and in the same way I do, seeing humans in the right light..that no..we aren't perfect..we're just doing what we can and accepting every drop of Grace God gives us with awe and thankfulness.

I want a guy who always keeps at least one picture of me with him..in his wallet..in his car..on his phone..on his mirror..I don't care..it should be somewhere.

I want a guy that loves me unconditionally and sees how much I care for him and appreciates it.

And in return...this is what he can expect from me...

He can expect that I will never betray him or lie to him.

He can expect that my love won't fade for him..only grow.

He can expect that I will gladly take the truth..even if its hurtful any day and work with him (as long as its reasonable) on it.

He can expect that I will go out of my way to make him happy.

He can expect that I don't just care about us and God..I care about him and God alone just as much.

He can expect that I think of us as one..not a couple.

He can expect that I will scream just as loudly for his team at a baseball game as he does..assuming of course they are not the yankees.

He can expect me to answer my phone at 3am or at least text him back.

He can expect me to consider his family in the choosing process..and love his parents like he does..buddy up with his mom when we're married and spoil his parents with food on a regular basis.

He can expect me to look into his eyes and communicate only through that look that I love him and that he has nothing left to prove.

He can expect me to want children with him that look exactly like him and maybe even if we have a boy..name him after him.

He can expect me to wait on him hand and foot, do his laundry (when we're married), and clean up his crap..within reason.

He can expect me to dress up for him, do my hair up for him, and batt my eyelashes at him when I'm being cute.

He can expect me to know that if he'll do it once..he'll do it again..whether its hitting or whatever..and if its disrespectful to me..I'm gone with no chance for reconciliation.

He can expect me to shower him on Valentine's, Christmas, and his birthday.

He can expect cookies in his mailbox at least once every four months.

He can expect me to want his dreams..no matter how childish or ridiculous..to come true just as bad as he does.

He can expect me to want to know how his day was, and if it sucked, he can also expect a killer backrub.

He can expect that I will not be a dud physically and he better get ready once we're married..cause I'm ready.

He can expect the evil eye if he uses a bad word..even if it was an accident.

He can expect that I'm not perfect..never will be..but I will try.

He can expect my full attention and affection when we're together and even when we're apart.

He can expect that if he ever left me, I would come and find him and bring him back..because he'd be wrong.

He can expect me to not wanna let go when we're hugging.

He can expect me to do nothing sexual until we're married..even though I'm about to die of curiosity. lol

He can expect ridiculously cheesy ims, emails, and text messages.

He can expect me to be jealous once in a while if another girl is interested in him and I'm not around for it.

He can expect me to take care of his heart.

He can expect me to apologize..eventually.

And finally..he can expect that I don't hand out my heart, my touch, my emotions to just anyone..and even if he thinks he has everything figured out in his mind and its different from me..that God will bring him to me when the time is right..and until then..I will not waste one kiss, one hug, one look, or even one time on anyone else ..that they belong to him and him only.

Repost of my non-negotiables

2009-03-08T21:37:00.001-04:00

As promised, here is a list of my non-negotiables. These are the things I am completely unwilling to budge on. I re-read this list after writing it a little over a year ago and still stand by them! Good to know I am not changing my mind much. =0)

So all this talk of relationships has beefed me up to throw the last of the reminders away. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate emotions? I hate dating. I hate the games and confusion and distractions. SO...it is finished.

I should probably be wrapping the rest of the presents that have been patiently waiting in the corner of my room for 3 months, but I'm just not in the mood. Maybe when it gets cold this weekend. So instead...I have decided to update my list. Except this isn't a flimsy, wishful list like before, this is what we like to call..the "non-negotiable list." These requirements are mandatory...absolutely no budging. And if I don't ever find anyone that meets this bill, fine by me..I'm okay on my own...but I refuse to compromise. I'm far too stubborn these days for that. I should also clarify that I am not looking. I'm burnt out on life at the moment. But I need to make this list while I'm not blinded by infatuation and especially while I'm not leaning towards a particular person.

Here goes in no particular order...

Must be a God-fearing Catholic man. Yes, that's right. I don't see a point in trying to make it work otherwise. I realize this screws me over as it eliminates 98% of the men I know as of right this minute. But take my word for it, you won't understand how to connect with someone like me fully if you don't even know what the word "liturgy" means. Not to mention, I've more than done my time as the only Catholic in my household! Dag nab it!

Must dedicate himself fully to me and God. I have to be second. God is first. Ministry needs to be in there somewhere too. I don't really care how. But we're called to be servants, not side-liners. Get out in the field men! Dedication includes: taking an interest in the things I like that you hate because I'll do the same for you, being patient with me when I'm in a funk (I have times when I overload myself, I need someone to take it off of me now and then), and rubbing my flipping feet once in a while...and my tummy when it hurts..you know that kind of thing.

Must understand I need things of my own too. I'll dedicate all of me that's available for another person, but I can't have someone up in my hair 24/7. I am a creative person. I need a little creative time here and there. Allow me that. And Mr. Kade can have that too. Guys need it too. Everybody does. Be be your own man within the confines of belonging to me. Impossible sounding? I think it can be done. =0P

Must possess some continuity within personality. No flip-flopping. Bi-polar applicants need not apply.

Must own at the very least, 4 Scott Hahn books. 4 is a good liturgical number.

Must adore every inch of my body and skin. Any negative remarks about my skin especially will get you kicked out. It's my number one insecurity, so leave it alone. Must not only adore all of me in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense. Our bodies are living temples for our Christ, we should treat them like we treat the Adoration Chapel. Both behold the same thing. Quick excerpt that demonstrates this from Scott Hahn's First Comes Love:

"Nothing my dad had told me about the facts of life, nothing I had learned in high school biology class, could have prepared me for that moment. The doctors allowed me to stay, to watch the operation. As the surgeon made his incisions, I beheld all of Kimberly's major organs (Hahn's wife). "Truly," I thought, "we are fearfully and wonderfully made!" Then came the moment, when from amid those organs, with a few careful movements of the doctor's hands, came the beautiful body of my baby boy, my first-born son, Michael. // But it was Kimberly's body that became something more than beautiful for me. Bloody and scarred and swollen with pain, it became something sacred, a living temple, a holy sanctuary, and an altar of life-giving sacrifice."

I have to have that. ^

Must possess a love for me beyond emotions and feelings, but of dependability. I don't believe that I'll always feel like loving someone else, but out of respect for the union, I will anyway. We're humans, we're all imperfect.

Must be a Republican. Enough said.

Must stand up for the issues (this goes along with the last requirement): abortion, birth control, stem-cell research, death penalty, etc.

Must take care of me. More specifically, I should emphasize that this includes my safety. God gave woman to man, I'm a gift, protect me as such.

Must genuinely want kids. Good kids, might I add! This means involvement. I'll do the grunt work. I'll feed them, clean them, drive them to school and soccer, but they need their superhero. And that should be you! That means serving as a role model in every aspect of life: as a husband, as a spiritual head, as a disciplinarian, as a friend, as a teacher.

And I guess to keep it reasonable and short...last but not least...

Must never abuse in any way, size, shape or form, me or anyone else, under ANY circumstances..or suffer severe consequences.

Hmm, good list I think. I may update it. But it's a good basis for the future. I think I'll go wrap cookies now...

Last Week...

2009-03-05T08:34:00.007-05:00

This is a little late but...

Last week I...

Bought a Lolita at work that I could NOT pass up (it is called social butterfly ;0P )..

Had an amazing day at the beach..

Celebrated Ash Wednesday...

Last Week...

2009-02-23T10:11:00.006-05:00

Last week I...

Organized my second room..

Became a member of the Blackberry club..thank you Ryan! ;0)...

Scored some chocolate from Hallmark...

Had an amazing time at Chili's..Sean you are my victim to put on here because you wouldn't smile...

Last week..

2009-02-19T20:13:00.007-05:00

It's a little late..but Last Week I...

Baked heart shaped cookies (with smart balance mind you!)

Had a pretty darned fancy Valentine's dinner with the family...

Built another bookshelf (no worries I am still a girl - see I read the directions!)...

Programmed like the wind (this is what my typical Sunday looks like these days until 1155 when it is time to submit)...

Last week..

2009-02-09T15:44:00.009-05:00

Last week I...

Had a very busy schedule to plan..

Started eating a lot healthier..

Woke up with cool hair..yes that is me with NO make up on...

Had to snuggle up in my thick Canada hoodie and drink hot chocolate...

Came home to pretty birthday flowers after class...I have the best parents...

Got a ring I had been eyeing at work with my birthday certificate..

Got a precious moments piece for my birthday from one of our sweetest customers..I am truly touched!!..

Had an amazing time at The Melting Pot with my friends as I turned 22!...

Last week...

2009-02-02T11:44:00.004-05:00

Last week I..

Loved up an arthritic little puppy..look at his little sweet face..I could kiss him..

And in fact...I DID kiss him...love my little man...

Bought some deodorant and soap..I was starting to stink!...

Found a dress for my birthday (with hair pins to match!)...

Wrote some slightly more difficult C# programs...

Last week...

2009-01-25T12:25:00.005-05:00

Last week I...

Organized my closet with my pretty boxes I bought last week, isn't it beautiful?...

Wrote my first program in C#..hello world!...

Reverted back to an old hairstyle, you like?...

Finally downloaded the Jon and Kate plus 8 commercial song by Fisher..

Bought new stationary..I can't help it..it's just so darned pretty..

Last week..

2009-01-19T19:19:00.011-05:00

Last week I...

Cleaned out my dresser...yes I lettered..don't look so surprised..

Fell in love with my new robe(s)..they were 4 dollars..I bought 2 =0P...

Reformatted my Windows machine all by my wee little self...(ahh..it's so much faster)...

Finally bought myself a purse that will hold all my stuff (FYI: It was $26, the most I had ever spent on a purse up until that was $11..so don't think I'm changing my cheap, frugal ways - just look at my face..can you tell I really love it!!?! Those pants were part of a $6 Flannel pj set ;0))...

Got a cute new graphic tee ($7 - this is the week I splurged on myself)..

Fell madly in love with pretty decorated boxes ($18 - I was reorganizing my closet and needed something to put my undies in..sue me! No wait, please don't, I am broke. =0P)...

Made some delicious baked meatballs and sauce..(don't even mess with me on this one again..)...

Last week..

2009-01-14T11:27:00.004-05:00

Last week I...

Fell madly in love with Chuck while snuggling up on my futon...

Bought 283 dollars worth of books (and started classes)...

Celebrated padre's 55th birthday (ELLOOoo discounts!)...

Bought two whiteboards for 16 bucks total...awesomeness...

To my future in-laws...

2009-01-11T12:18:00.002-05:00

I felt the need to sit down and write some things to you in light of some events happening around me that I find rather disheartening, and actually, down right disgusting.

When I marry your son, I do not consider it taking him away from you guys. Instead, I see it as the joining of me to your family. Neither do I see it as a shunning of my own family. The two coexist happily and joyously and I am privileged to belong to both.

When you invite me to dinner, be it a special occasion or just a nice break from the normal routine of the week, I take it as an honor and refuse to blow it off or not show up. If anything were to happen to prevent me from coming, such as coming down with the flu or even having a bad day, I would heartily apologize (and mean it) and be sure to take a rain check.

On the flip side, I will invite you to dinner, be it a special occasion or just a nice break from the normal routine of the week, I take it as an honor to have you at my table. Should you come down with the flu or have a bad day, I will not hold it against you if you can't make it.

I refuse to nitpick at your relationship with your son and chime in with my own opinions of it. To me, this is off limits. You created him and raised him, therefore, I think you've earned the right to have some personal territory with him. And if by chance I do butt myself in, please feel free to put me in my place. This will wake me up from my oh-so-unpleasing attitude.

I am excited at the chance to spend time with you, even if your son isn't able to join us. I refuse to be the girl who cringes at the thought. What a blessing it will be to be able to pick your brain and discuss life with the very people who shaped my husband into the person I fell in love with! And I really hope you feel the same way towards me. If you don't, I will give it my all to change your feelings.

I promise to treat your son with respect and dignity. I fully understand that I am his wife and not the other way around. No matter what busy day I've had, he will not know what it is like to come home to someone who lacks the love and passion to make him dinner. I will take pride in preparing something tasty and nutritious. Also, there will not be junk and/or trash everywhere around the house. I do not keep things tidy because I'm a neat freak, but because that's how I'll show my affection and dedication for our partnership. Just the same as how he'll check the oil in my car and take out the trash. It won't be done out of obligation, but opportunity to show I care. If I were to take little care in these matters, I would see how that is a direct slap in the face to your trusting me to take care of him.

By the same token, I refuse to be his mother. A man needs a wife and a mom. A mom can't be a wife, and a wife can't be a mom. So if he comes crying to you about something stressing him out, needing the emotional comfort you've given since birth, I won't be jealous, but instead grateful that you're willing to give it to him. He trusts you with his heart, and so do I.

When the day comes when our little bundles of joy arrive, I am just as happy for you as I am for us. I am blessed and honored to be able to give you the joys of grandparenthood. I REFUSE to deprive you of the weekends at grammy and grammpy's house, the grandpa and grandson fishing trips, and the grandma and granddaughter afternoon lunch and shopping excursions. Those are things I did not get to have much of (for various reasons), so I want to make sure you get to have as much of those as you can. Please know that it is two-sided though, I want my parents to have those things too. I promise I will not play favorites, you will get as much time as they do. I know it will be hard cause they will be the most precious little souls on this earth, but we will just have to share.

Along the same lines, I promise to make a serious effort to spend time with you on holidays. Of course I want to spend time with my family too, but I promise to make it as even as I possibly can. I won't play favorites. =0)

I also promise to not give you garbage from garage sales as your Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary gifts. If it looks antique, trust me..I would have gotten from an antique shop. I care what I give to you and I will have put a lot of thought and effort into thinking of something that you'd really love. If you don't, please fake it..I will be crushed, I have a soft heart. By the same token, if you give me something I don't love, I will promise to be gracious and fake it too..no matter how ugly the sweater may be..even if it has flashing Christmas lights on it...you bought it for me...I will wear it.

Finally, when the days come when you are old and gray, I will gladly take care of you. I will do everything in my power to not stick you in a nursing home. I feel very strongly about this, as I wouldn't want someone sticking me in a place like that either. If you're in the hospital, I will be sure to make sure the doctors are the best of the best and that they take proper care of you. This may even put off possible boyfriends of the future, but if it does..they are history..he should love his parents enough to want to take care of them too!

Sincerely with love,

Your daughter

Last Week...

2009-01-09T20:03:00.001-05:00

...I would rather not recap....

Last Week...

2008-12-29T22:51:00.007-05:00

I finally got all my baskets and boxes made up...

Went to Midnight Mass...

Had an amazing Christmas...

Watched my brother get married...

Last Week...

2008-12-23T00:31:00.010-05:00

Last week I...

Baked cookies and sent them out in my homemade boxes...what a mess I made!...

Got a makeup bag big enough to fit all my stuff..FINALLY..for $1 at Bath and Body Works...

Prepared my other room for my aunt's stay..I hung some of my art that has needed a home for sooooo long...

And began wrapping presents...

Abba! Daddy!

2008-12-21T10:48:00.006-05:00

Very few people get a glimpse into the inner sunshine of my spirit. Although, everyone sees it, not everyone knows where it stems from. I attempt to display to the best of my ability (which sometimes isn't very strong I'll admit), the reason behind it. Yet sometimes it seems far too great for words. How do you explain your sole existence, love for life, well of happiness and joy in a short catchy phrase and capture the magnitude of it? You really can't, but this morning I came the closest I've ever been when I thought about something I bought for my Dad for Christmas yesterday.

Daddy loves everything nostalgic and old-timeish. Sometimes we accuse him of acting 90 for the multiple quotes and references to 1930's songs and programs (he was born in 54). At times it can get a bit old, even annoying because we never have any clue of who in the heck or what in the heck he is talking about - still there is an ever present endearingness to him because of it. I can't count the times he came home when I was little with Necco chocolate or fruity wafers or candy necklaces for us. Everytime I see one of those things I fall madly in love with my precious Daddy all over again. So imagine how excited I got when I realized we had an old-fashioned sock monkey for sale at work the other day. Tucked away in a corner, his little red lips peeked out and begged for my attention. My first thought: DADDY! Liz, our owner, was generous enough to allow all employees a Saturday where we could get anything 40% off. So I waited patiently, every day checking persistently to see if my little monkey had not gone home with someone else. Sure enough, the day came around yesterday and little Mr. Monkey was still there. I scooped him up with glee and wrapped him up in a bag. I couldn't wait to get home and wrap it up so Christmas morning I could see that giddy smile on his face when he realized his little daughter bought him something from his childhood.

Over the last few weeks my life has been a hailstorm. Between writing final papers, studying until the wee hours of the morning for finals, programming final projects like a little roadrunner, and working everyday I had lost the excitement and loving feeling that our sweet Abba would soon be born into our world. I felt terrible that I could hardly stay awake through my nightly decade to pray the rest of what I wanted to pray. So I asked simply that God would find some way to grab me and let me have that warmth..if only even for a minute or two. I can't even explain it, but the last week I have had moments in my day where my heart was just absolutely warmed and comforted knowing that He was almost here. The first thing that did it was a box of Christmas cards with a town scene on it, much like the one Mary and Joseph would have seen traveling inn to inn looking for a place to stay that night. I was restocking our boxed cards and had to stop and just stare for a little while. Even though I couldn't be in deep prayer or study with Him while at work, I could smile with Him. What a feeling of perfect love...

Sometimes I find being with Abba annoying (not with HIM Himself, but the time being with Him). I'll admit it, I love Him with all my heart, but sometimes it feels like I can't get through the 'normal' stuff in my day to get to the time with him without being drained or in an unwilling mood (too tired). And these days, it feels like that's the only way it will ever be..that life will never slow down so I can have that. But just like that little sock monkey, Abba always finds a way to break through the stodginess and warm my heart. For months I have been pondering what to paint upon the four large canvases I bought to hang above my bed in the redecorating of my room (I started back last February...maybe by 2020 I'll be done). The second I felt that way when I looked at that box of cards, I knew..THAT is what I want. I want that feeling everytime I walk in my room. And it might be a little strange to some, but it's what makes me beam with joy and happiness. It's something only the children of God will understand...

Favoritest Scripture that sparked all of this, this morning...

Romans 8 NASB

Deliverance from Bondage

1Therefore there is now no (A)condemnation for those who are (B)in (C)Christ Jesus.

2For (D)the law of the Spirit of life in (E)Christ Jesus (F)has set you free from the law of sin and of death.

3For (G)what the Law could not do, (H)weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in (I)the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh,

4so that the (J)requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who (K)do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

5For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on (L)the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, (M)the things of the Spirit.

6(N)For the mind set on the flesh is (O)death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace,

7because the mind set on the flesh is (P)hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so,

8and those who are (Q)in the flesh cannot please God.

9However, you are not (R)in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God (S)dwells in you But (T)if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him.

10(U)If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness.

11But if the Spirit of Him who (V)raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, (W)He who raised (X)Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies [a]through His Spirit who dwells in you.

12So then, brethren, we are under obligation, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh--

13for (Y)if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by the Spirit you are (Z)putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

14For all who are (AA)being led by the Spirit of God, these are (AB)sons of God.

15For you (AC)have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you (AD)have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "(AE)Abba! Father!"

16The Spirit Himself (AF)testifies with our spirit that we are (AG)children of God,

17and if children, (AH)heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, (AI)if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time (AJ)are not worthy to be compared with the (AK)glory that is to be revealed to us.

19For the (AL)anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for (AM)the revealing of the (AN)sons of God.

20For the creation (AO)was subjected to (AP)futility, not willingly, but (AQ)because of Him who subjected it, [b]in hope

21that (AR)the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

22For we know that the whole creation (AS)groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.

23(AT)And not only this, but also we ourselves, having (AU)the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves (AV)groan within ourselves, (AW)waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, (AX)the redemption of our body.

24For (AY)in hope we have been saved, but (AZ)hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

25But (BA)if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Our Victory in Christ

26In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for (BB)we do not know how to pray as we should, but (BC)the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

27and (BD)He who searches the hearts knows what (BE)the mind of the Spirit is, because He (BF)intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

28And we know that [c]God causes (BG)all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are (BH)called according to His purpose.

29For those whom He (BI)foreknew, He also (BJ)predestined to become (BK)conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the (BL)firstborn among many brethren;

30and these whom He (BM)predestined, He also (BN)called; and these whom He called, He also (BO)justified; and these whom He justified, He also (BP)glorified.

31(BQ)What then shall we say to these things? (BR)If God is for us, who is against us?

32He who (BS)did not spare His own Son, but (BT)delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

33Who will bring a charge against (BU)God's elect? (BV)God is the one who justifies;

34who is the one who (BW)condemns? Christ Jesus is He who (BX)died, yes, rather who was [d](BY)raised, who is (BZ)at the right hand of God, who also (CA)intercedes for us.

35Who will separate us from (CB)the love of [e]Christ? Will (CC)tribulation, or distress, or (CD)persecution, or (CE)famine, or (CF)nakedness, or (CG)peril, or sword?

36Just as it is written,
"(CH)FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."

37But in all these things we overwhelmingly (CI)conquer through (CJ)Him who loved us.

38For I am convinced that neither (CK)death, nor life, nor (CL)angels, nor principalities, nor (CM)things present, nor things to come, nor powers,

39nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from (CN)the love of God, which is (CO)in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Footnotes:

1. Romans 8:11 One early ms reads because of
2. Romans 8:20 Or in hope; because the creation
3. Romans 8:28 One early ms reads all things work together for good
4. Romans 8:34 One early ms reads raised from the dead
5. Romans 8:35 Two early mss read God

Last week...

2008-12-15T23:52:00.007-05:00

Last week I..

Started making boxes to put cookies in for co-workers, friends, and my priests!...

Decided to start drinking more water to help my skin..I can only stomach it with a lemon in it (see how psyched about it I am by that expression..good Lord..there must be something else in that water besides lemon)..

Made homemade meatballs and sauce...and do not comment on this just to say 'balls' or you will be in big trouble..

Versus...

2008-12-11T01:43:00.002-05:00

Things I like better about the me I am now, than the me 5 years ago...

I'm much funnier now.
I'm more outspoken and voice my opinions.
I'm a harder worker.
I can type about 10 wpm faster (doesn't sound like much, but when you type 114 it's significant).
I don't base my weekends around movies.
I can program.
I can paint and draw.
I laugh loudly without feeling embarrassed.
I'm more honest with myself.
I have more Hallmark items than I know what to do with.
I have one entire end of the house to myself.
I enjoy peace and quiet and alone time.
I abhor myspace.
I don't base my existence off whether a boy calls or not.
I let my hair do what it wants to.
I can calm myself down with a few deep breaths when I get stressed.
I can also put things in perspective.
I'm much more patient.
I'm much more practical.
I don't create magical 5 year plans for my life course anymore.
I buy the cheapest gas I can find.
I can break the ice in any social situation.
I sleep in a room with taupe walls (much more soothing than neon blue).
I take insults with a grain of salt.
I understand good things take time. Like wine.
I can drink wine.
I'm very independent.
I'm very dependent on certain things.

Things I do not like so much about the older me that I need to work on...

I do not get 8 hours of sleep every night.
I rely way too much on email and the internet.
I have more Hallmark items than I know what to do with.
I rush when getting out of the house.
I rush driving down the road.
I run red lights and speed like a little hellion. (Disregard this Malachi!)
I spend too much money on gifts.
I do not state my feelings enough, especially for people and that's tragic.
I gossip like there will always be a tomorrow.
I still don't know but 1 Jimmy Buffet song.
I can't bring myself to buy new shoes (when I NEED them).
I don't sing as much.

Tired now...rolling over to sleep...

Last COUPLE weeks..

2008-12-06T22:53:00.016-05:00

I am THIS behind and seriously THIS busy...so here goes...

I rediscovered my love of sleeping in boy clothes(the girl manufacturers are holding out on us..)...

Ate a southern Thanksgiving dinner..there was more but on a second plate ;0P..

Rediscovered my love for oatmeal...

Made homemade gift tags and trim..I may do this every year it was so fun...and most DEFINITELY with my kids...

The initials are my favorites...

Last Week...

2008-11-24T19:46:00.010-05:00

Last week I...

Watched Kasey take a nap with Daddy on the couch...

Bought Kasey and Taylor pajamas cause it got cold (I think I was the only one so thrilled about them judging by their expressions..but really Kasey does love them)...

Went out with the girls...

Reorganized my second room and built a bookshelf for it (aren't I glamorous in my completely mismatched ensemble? Hubby will be proud)...

P.S. I have too much roll wrap...

All finished organizing Christmas gifts...I went a overboard...again...but I get good stuff for cheap cheap cheap!!...

Last week..

2008-11-20T14:08:00.006-05:00

Last week I...

Made my first lasagna that didn't have ricotta (surprisingly yummier)...

Got my new camera...

Had a blueberry martini (which was disgusting)...

Wore a new skirt...

Wrote some kick butt programs with arrays I am extremely proud of...

Last week....

2008-11-12T22:20:00.003-05:00

Last week I...

Voted for the first time....

Dyed my hair again...

Bought a funky cool swirly snowman snowglobe thingy...

Ran a booth for St. Tim's Fall Festival...

Imperfections

2008-11-11T00:38:00.004-05:00

A while back I cut my hair pretty short. I know for everybody else out there who is 'normal' my definition of short conflicts with theirs. But I cut a good 6 - 8 inches off of my long, flowing curly locks. And the worst part was, I did it because a guy wanted me to. I had my reservations, but I figured I'd jump the gun and just do it because I knew it'd make him happy.

I couldn't have regretted it more.

It is only now that my hair has reached Rapunzel status once again. While I will not give a time period as I do not wish to revisit that time, let me just say it's been a long darned while. In a few swift snips I altered my appearance for months and months on end. And really, for what? To alter someone else's perception of my beauty? To cross off one of my imperfections off their list? What a mistake.

Some may disagree, but I'm really not one of those people that thinks they're it. Believe it or not, I know all my faults and even some you don't. I know that my eyebrows aren't identical, one is slightly higher than the other. My teeth are not perfectly straight, even one of the most visible has a slight chip taken out of it by a dog I had when I was younger. My hair is afro-esque on certain days, trust me..I can't keep it out of my face for all the frizz. My legs have so many broken blood vessels and veins I lost count a few years ago. I'm very aware of the fact that without just the right amount of concealer, I have dark circles under my eyes. My heels are cracked, my skin tone is uneven, my chin bulges like a gizzard, and my cuticles are forever overgrown.

I spend hours on end to try and conceal these imperfections from the rest of the world. All the while, having to withhold a little bit more of the realness that begs to escape that is Kade. What I long for at the end of the day, is to be able to be completely uncovered and unhidden from the one who will know me best. I expect from the man who is truly man enough to love me, to embrace these imperfections and even love them because they're part of me. After all, that's what I'd do for him.

Last Week....

2008-11-05T17:47:00.010-05:00

Last week I...

Bought a bunch of pumpkins...

Carved a pumpkin..

Made homemade pumpkin pie from scratch...

Wore a ribbon in my hair for the first time since 9th grade (made me feel young and cute again)....

Wrote a program to count the letters in a string (stored in a character array- yes I survived them!)...

Wrote a program to print a new line for every word in a string (in a character array)...

Wrote a program to count the number of vowels in a string (isn't my switch some hot stuff?! I think so..)...

Watched Kasey(rolling around on the floor like a nut) and Taylor (propped his head up on the handle of the bench) be unbelievable cute...

Pumpkins! Pumpkins! Pumpkins!

2008-10-29T22:36:00.014-04:00

I've always wanted to do this. And NO I did not use any professional tools. Just a good old fashioned knife and a needle.

Oh and no one can call me prissy ever again..this is proof that I can get gross too..

Last Week....

2008-10-28T16:43:00.006-04:00

Last week I...

Got new glasses...(they hurt my eyes...I have to take them back)...

Enjoyed cooking as I got the recipe from my mac right along side...

Bought a Christmas tree...

Bought Screaming monkeys..FINALLY...

Successfully wrote a program with two dimensional arrays...

And there is a pending picture coming..but for now this one will suffice...

I....MET SCOTT HAHN and spent pretty much most of Saturday with him...

Let's Fall in Love Again...

2008-10-22T21:49:00.002-04:00

I now know how cradle Catholics feel in losing that 'honeymoon' feeling of our faith. It's because we have SUCH an abundance of blessing, we are completely unable to grasp it...so much so...sometimes we nearly shut down. It literally baffles us how magnificent it is. I wrote this months ago..but re-read it again tonight. I think we should read it again and try..with all our might to fall in love again...

I am finding in so many of my conversations these days the topic comes up, "So what made you decide to become Catholic?!" And I always have the urge to hand them this list of all the things that made me fall madly in love with the Catholic Church. Yet, I haven't made a concrete list. So it's going to be messy...and it might not even make much sense to some, but this is what captured me:
Warning: It will probably be LONG!!!

* Apostolic Traditions (2,000 years old and counting..)- With a capital "T" mind you! The traditions and practices of the apostles have been carefully preserved as closely as possible throughout the generations of the Church. I love knowing that when I am celebrating in the Mass with my Brothers and Sisters all throughout the world, these are the same practices of those early Christians 2,000 years ago. My heart seems to have known them all along, and in learning and going deeper in the Mass, a little something awakens inside of me in recognition.
* Sacraments- The 7 most beautiful gifts God has given us to celebrate and take part in. Real, Holy gifts, that we are blessed and whole-heartedly welcomed to share in, not by our own merits of course, but by Christ's. These are not just physical blessings, nor are they merely spiritual blessings, they are both! These are instituted by Christ, Himself, therefore, they are full!!! Each are marked by the physical transformation as well as spiritual.
* The Universal Church- the Catholic Church is the same no matter which you walk into anywhere in the world. I love knowing that when I go to celebrate Mass in Rome, I may not know the native language, but I know what I am celebrating. When I hear the readings at mass here in my home parish on Sundays, they are the same ones being read aloud all over the world. We are truly united in every element of our worship of the Lord!! How cool is that?!?!
* Incense- I love walking into a church I've never been in before and even though I know it's Catholic before I walk in because of the sign hanging out on the front lawn, I walk in..and smell it and KNOW. The sweet aromas of incense fill me and let me know I am at home in God's House.
* Peace be with you- I fall 7 times 77 times a day, and even though that's a lot...I still feel the urge to try and make it right. Peace be with you allows us to settle the quarrels and remember that we are family... NO MATTER WHAT.
* Fathers- Spiritual directors who know your name, your face, your smile, your faults, your joys, your pains, and your directions. And they care as if you were their very own flesh and blood. You are their child and there isn't much they wouldn't stop at to help you and your walk. What beautiful, precious souls! And my, what dedication!!!
* Scott Hahn- enough said. Google him if you don't know him.
* Mass- the most peaceful, happy, joyous, loving, reflective time of my week. If I could put a sleeping bag out in the lobby and camp out forever, I would. I'm hoping this is somewhat what heaven will be like.
* Alcohol- I can break the ice with any Catholic I know in making a joke out of the fact that, yes, we like our wine, and if you're German and Catholic..we like our beer! =0P
* Spirit-Filledness- I have never met so many on fire for God people in my life...who really meant it! They are full of the joys from God's sacraments and they are not shy about letting their joy spill out onto others!
* Theology- ahhh. There is no bottom on the bucket...I can study and search and grow my whole life and still...there will be so much I was never able to grasp. But it's there for the grasping!
* Augustine- My sweet St. Auggy, I was just born 800 years late. What I'd give to sit and have lunch with the man who did it all, tried it all, and found by trial and error (and a lot of prayer on his mother's behalf) that there is no better, nor sweeter life than that lived with Christ. When I feel like giving up, I draw on his conversion and I know there is always still hope.
* Saints!- =0P We have people from ages past who we are able to draw on for comfort and strength! (Like Auggy!)
* Mary- I thought I was blessed to have a mother like I do here on earth, but Mary is the ultimate 'Mommy.' She does for us, everything she ever did for Christ. She picks us up off the ground and kisses our wound when we scrap our knees, she holds us when we are scared, she pleads with our Dad when we have special requests. She provides us with a beautiful model as the first Christian to always say "yes" to Christ and His plan for us.
* Popple- what a rocking bunch of Christian Brothers.
* The Pope- The man taking charge, making sure our faith isn't swayed by new ideas.
* The Creed- what a profound feeling declaring boldly what we believe every week with a booming number of voices along side of me declaring it just as loudly as I am! Now THAT gets me excited and riled up to live my life for Christ!
* St. Vincent de Paul- what a plain honest and tremendous effort to serve others in Christ's name. I hope someday I'll be blessed enough to serve along side!
* Stations of the Cross- the simplest way to remind myself that I'm unworthy. The tears that I cry throughout remembering what Christ suffered for us are the only two-fold tears I know: joy and sadness. Joyous, for the love that He showers upon us all, Sadness for the evil that I have committed that nailed Him to the Cross.
* Mysteries- we can't know it all, that's why we call them "mysteries!" =0P The instances where God's beauty completely blinds us from any reasoning or thought. We can't contain or understand matters too great for us. Christ coming into the muck and mire of this world as a sweet, precious newborn, only to be our Living Sacrifice -- that's a mystery.
* Holy Water and Oil and the Sign of the Cross- I don't fear evil or the devil anymore, I have the sign of Christ emblazoned on my forehead, my ears, my lips, my chest, my shoulders, my arms, my legs, my feet. While the water and oil wash off, Satan must see a glaringly bright cross that lets him know..."this one's His." Sends chills up my spine to read Revelations now.
* Confession- the cure to my constant fallings. I don't waste my time in anger and frustration at myself over the fact that I'm unworthy and impure. Christ knows that and He doesn't want a pity party in the mud with me telling myself 'I can't do anything right.' That's what He gave us Confession. What a new person I am and how wonderful and light I feel after being absolved and given a new perspective. The thing about it though, YOU HAVE TO GO.
* Can we say, Eucharist!?- The closest I can get to my Christian siblings around the world and Christ all at once. The most empowering physical gift Christ has given us. Our beautiful New Paschal Lamb!
* Kneelers- I have recently chucked the fact that my church doesn't have any and kneel anyway. We do in our Adoration Chapel, but not in the Sanctuary. I've always bowed, but now I kneel and I'm happy to blister and bruise my knees and I thank God especially for the times I am already bruised when I go to show Him honor.
* Suffering- ...what I was just describing. I am HAPPY and JOYOUS to suffer, it only draws me closer to Christ and allows me to glimpse even more of His beauty. I can't earn it, but I can show my sincerity.
* Neophytes and RCIA and Sponsors- I never fear of there not being a familiar hand to hold in the event that I am weak and I lose my way. These Catholics are extremely dedicated to making sure you know you aren't ever expected to brave it out on your own. Plus, now I have two families. =0)
* Middle-aged Married Catholic couples- I've noticed something. I'm catching onto a trend. There are these couples who have been married at least 20 years, you can always pick them out in mass. They have weathered every storm imaginable, from falling in and out of love with each other to one not believing quite like the other one does, to losing their physical abilities, and yet while life hasn't been all that they dreamed of or quite how they planned it out, they look at each other with this adoring look. They serve regularly together in ministries like RCIA or Parish Council and even when everyone else around the place is in a heated discussion, they're calm and collected. They are completely content with life. It's such a joy to be around these couples, I often want to go up and spill all this out on them. They are what I aspire to be and what I can only hope my husband and I can be someday. A living testament that Love conquers all.
* The Body of Christ- the Church family isn't only comprised of those in my time, its everyone. I love feeling that extra special jolt when I think about all the Christians that have gone before me are joining in prayer with me.
* Liturgy- the specific way of worship!
* Symbolism- Before I was Catholic, I never walked into a Church and went, "hah! four speakers, they must be symbolic of the Gospels." What I love about the buildings themselves, is that they are crafted to be radiant of their purpose. There is one altar, four candles, 7 seating areas, and one big round circle...none of those are accidents. Even the main entrance has 3 different doors, the main sections have 3 separate areas, and there are two buildings. Ahh, One God, One Table, Four Gospels, 7-Fold Spirit, One Faith, Christ's Divinity and Christ's Humanity are all symbolized in the very structure of my parish. Ah, melt me.

I'm going to have to keep adding to this list. It may be a tad crazy to everyone else, but I don't care. I'm in love and I have to let it out somewhere!! =0)

Last Week....

2008-10-22T15:16:00.006-04:00

Last week I....

Got the brand new aluminum Macbook...

Witnessed HCC spending money unwisely...yet again...we can have a cool, trendy overhang, but NOT a level campus walkway or paved parking lot...snazzy...

Took a zillion and one pictures with photobooth...

Made the most delicious baked mac n' cheese I've made yet...and enjoyed it..

AND..got some Rita's...

Lazy days are over...

2008-10-18T22:42:00.003-04:00

Now when I say I've been 'lazy' I am not referring to the kind of lazy that conjures up images of a couch potato laying around watching TV all day and night. Still with me? Good. Now we can proceed. =0)

I've been a tad lazy over the last year. Around this time last year I quickly halted my going-to-two-churches and serving in a handful of ministries at my old church routine. I made the shift to St. Tim's entirely. And as I most certainly missed those people and ministries the very millisecond I left them, I have to admit I also felt a tremendous feeling of relief. For nearly two and a half years I threw myself at them non-stop. Some weeks I never came home. I was SO dedicated to them, I don't think friends and family realized why I was constantly saying 'no' to invitations out to a movie or dinner. I was truly 'too busy.'

I decided I needed a long break before I let myself get so involved again. And rightly so, as I have needed to focus on wrapping up my studies as well as trying to build up a little bit of savings and investments. Not to mention flipping my world as I had always known it upside down so quickly. I knew very few people at my new church and even less of the ministries I would actually be useful too.

How quickly a year changes things. I meet at least 4 new people at every mass I go to. I know countless wonderful, God-loving, Spirit-filled couples/families I could only aspire to be like one day. I know at least 60% of the ministries available at St. Tim's (we have over 40 so I'd say that's fair) and what their missions are. So I feel pretty comfortable.

Along with taking long vacations, vulnerabilities are quickly exposed. It's so easy to get in the habit of sleeping in, staying in your pjs all day, not going to work (talking figuratively here). Sad to say, some of those vulnerabilities have been attacked as I haven't been so involved. In combination with a 'honeymoon' phase of being newly Catholic and finishing up my degree, my spiritual life has been wounded. No, I'm not on drugs. No, I haven't skipped mass. But my reading time has been cut down from 30 minutes a night to about 10. My praise and worship time downsized to travel time to and fro work, school, and church. My prayer time from full blown Rosaries and devotionals to a decade and a 'free-styler' as I like to call them. To many of the older generations reading this, they may say 'that's great for a young person." But for me, it's tremendously sad. That longing has been welling up to be completely and totally connected and over committed again.

Guess what. The time has come. =0)

I am more than thrilled to say I attended my first SVDP (St. Vincent de Paul) meeting the other night. The stories that poured out of people that were in true need of just a little extra help and encouragement overwhelmed me with joy to know that I have joined a genuinely humble and wonderful group that strive to serve God worldwide. Out of all the ministries I've looked into, by far this is the most amazing to me. They are THE place to go when 'you just don't know where to go.' I have a feeling this mission will quickly connect my lifesong back fully to Christ.

Getting in even more over my head, one of those amazing couples (the ones I hope I'm like with my husband someday) got me interested in Parish Council. At first, I just thought, sure! What the heck! Tack that on too! Because you have to be elected to it and I figured no one would vote for a 21-year old, I didn't think I'd have a shot. But go figure, everyone is rooting for me. Even people I don't know. They want me. They want youth. They want fresh ideas. They want someone with a heart to love and serve God. If that's what they're after....I'm their girl. And the more I think about it, the more I think I'd be great for it and it'd be great for me.

All this and I've decided to submerge myself into learning a handful of programming languages. I am truly convinced I am not happy and thriving unless I'm full to the brim with things to do, people to see, and places to be!

On a closing note, I firmly believe God blesses those who are out for Him and are willing to take one for the team. Let me state, while I have my moments of weakness and I screw up now and then, I am willing to take on less sleep and more responsibilities if it means putting a smile on His face. Putting God on the backburner will always catch up to you. I'm just glad I caught it before the pot caught fire. Instead it seems the only thing that caught the flame was my heart. I'm all yours...now and forever...

One of my favorites

2008-10-18T00:16:00.002-04:00

Love the gospel today/ How great is God's love in spite of all our shortcomings that we are worth so much more to him than innocent birds.

readings for 10/17/08

Last week...

2008-10-13T22:01:00.003-04:00

Last week I...

Actually this is from the week before..but I just found it..made a from scratch chocolate cake...

Got a new bracelet..it says 'LOVE'...

Whacked my leg on our paper tray on the printer at work during the Ornament Debut (cause I refuse to slow down and someone had it pulled all the way out..yigh!!)...

a day later..

Hmmm

2008-10-12T20:13:00.004-04:00

I think I will now agree to go back on my "I'll go camping only IF..." rule..

Luxist Camping

although...maybe I'll keep my rule, just it has to be this way now too. I like making rules. ;0)

Last week...

2008-10-08T23:33:00.006-04:00

Last week I...

Layed out in the scorching heat with my hurricane of a fan...

Chose a really crappy movie choice for movie night...

Chose another really crappy movie choice again...

Learned how to use the rand() functions within C...that was fun...

Last week...

2008-10-01T14:04:00.005-04:00

Last week I...

Made a delicious cake...

Took 2 candle light showers/sit n splashes...

Saw a really huge crane...

Wore my 'spooky' orange shirt to work to promote Halloween...aren't I scary?...

Naked Cross

2008-09-24T01:17:00.005-04:00

I love reality shows. Well, not really. But sometimes I catch one because it's the only thing on and it ends up being something half-way decent. More often than not, it's something like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition or something like that. I noticed something about these shows. Every time they do a house where the people weren't all that needy, I don't get as much out of it. Somehow, even with all the work and massive overhauling they do to the place, I just don't feel like its as cool a gift. But when they find the family that's getting ready to lose their house and it's a single mom with her kids and her late sister's kids, it truly touches me.

The same is true with God. That's exactly what He gives to us. He doesn't give us a half-assed story (pardon my french, but that's the expression). No, he gives us the tearjerker. The life of Christ wasn't all that pretty or appealing. He dealt with people mocking him, throwing him out of town, unbelievers, numerous plots to kill him, etc. But it's especially sucky towards the end. There are no ways around it. He was taken away, beaten, mocked, spat upon, scourged, and ultimately crucified. What a horrific way to go, especially when you haven't done anything wrong and the only reason you're doing this is because you're saving all of humanity (even the ones who are killing you!).

At Neophytes the other night Deacon John asked us a question. It wasn't one he had an answer to, but he recognized that we might have some good insights coming from all different backgrounds (mostly Protestant). He asked us why other churches (mainly Protestant I suppose) were so reluctant to hang a crucifix and hanging a cross instead, and also why we're looked down upon as Catholics for having them all over the place.

A guy behind me responded that in his old church (Protestant) it was because they viewed it as re-crucifying Christ all over again. But I had always felt it was something different.

I was a little reluctant to share because I still love my old church very much, but at the same time there is a list of reasons why I'm no longer there. This just so happened to be one of them. So I spoke up. I told him that it was more of a wanting to look away from the 'negative.' At least in a lot of the churches I attended throughout my youth, one thing seemed common. "Don't focus on all the crud in your life, instead have faith that God will heal it." Wow, just like that?! Then, why do I have all these problems still?! "OH, you must not have enough faith."

That mentality is killer. 'Don't focus on the negative. Don't pay attention to the suffering. God only wants you to be happy, not miserable or sad.' While part of that is true, I fear many of our brothers and sisters are missing it. The reason they don't want to break out the Crucifix is because it's 'too negative.' It involves pain, suffering. It's too much to bear. Now I'm not saying they don't recognize it or appreciate the Crucifixion, nothing along those lines what so ever! I fully believe and know for a fact that they do. But I also know, they prefer not to dwell. They prefer to focus the most on the Resurrection. And rightly so, if He didn't come to rise again, there isn't much point. BUT, first, He had to die. And that deserves some HEFTY attention. Why? Because the most beauty and depth comes out of suffering. We cannot truly appreciate the Resurrection in its entirety until we first remember His suffering and death. And I think while it is given some attention, it's not given enough.

I explained as well, that this is a large reason why purgatory is rejected in the Protestant churches. Purgatory is also largely misinterpreted that it is some large waiting room that happens to be firey after you die. Purgatory comes in all forms. We actually can have purgatory here in our everyday lives. I hear TONS of language in mainstream Christian songs that talks about giving God an 'offering' or 'sacrifice.' That is all it is. We choose not to see the sufferings of life as bad and something to be rejected. But rather something we can take joy in, to know that we can suffer for our Lord. We are able to see beauty in the pain. (And no, we don't think this gets us into Heaven, Jesus does that. We aren't trying to save ourselves, Christ does that. But we can get closer to Christ by offering up this life to Him. Part of that is to quit crying 'God fix it.' God was never supposed to be a 'fix-it' man. God helps us through, but He wants us to grow in strength. Suffering is how we are able to grow! Therefore, we are overjoyed at the thought of being given the opportunity to gain that strength!) =0)

The main idea is this, we focus on Christ's sufferings a great deal because that is what makes it so very profoundly beautiful. If you walk into a church at least once a week and see an empty cross hanging on the wall, how quickly and easy it is to forget just how much he suffered. I remember on a trip to Cullman, AL to visit this big, magnificent church, we were able to go down to the lower part. In an almost basement-like hallway before the main part of the church itself, were walls adorned with huge floor to ceiling shadow boxes. I remember thinking they were pretty impressive because they were illuminated so beautifully and so massive. But then I realized what was in them. Made to about the specification of what the actual items were, were 3 nails, a crown of spikey, bloody thorns, and a spikey scourge. Silence overtook me and tears began to roll down my face. Right there in that moment I had one of those moments where you truly realize just how much Christ loves us. We were fortunate enough to be able to go and pray in the church after. I knelt down on a kneeler at the back for what seemed like 30 seconds before I lost it. I couldn't pray fast enough or say what I wanted to say fast enough to Him. I was overtaken with how deep the beauty of the Crucifixion was.

THAT is why we have a Crucifix. We know He has risen. But when we walk in and see His Body hanging there, it is an instant reminder of how deeply He suffered that we might be reconciled to Him.

Last week...

2008-09-24T01:03:00.007-04:00

Last week I...

Changed my hair style up a little bit...

Changed my hair color up a little bit...(a little darker)

Wore my new $8.99 shoes....

Sang karaoke...

And watched Office Space for the first time...

My week

2008-09-14T12:44:00.009-04:00

This week I...

Burnt a graham cracker in the microwave making smores...

Created an investment calculator using the pow function...

Realized I look disgusting in skinny jeans..

But found out, curvy cut jeans by Levi are magical for my body type...

Had a really sweet and tasty bottle of Kabinett Riesling..

Took a couple really handsome pictures..

[Mmm..sorry, these are just for me. ;0)]

last week...

2008-09-09T22:21:00.006-04:00

Last week I...

Got sunburned..

Spent 12 dollars on mediocre chocolates..

Celebrated mom's birthday...

Figured out at certain angles I have crystal blue eyes..

I'd like some answers

2008-09-08T00:58:00.003-04:00

Well, my faith has been in a rat hole the last few months. No, I don't know what a rat hole really is either, but I'm guessing its pretty bad because that's the way I'm using it.

We all go through these ridiculous cycles in our teenage years (I mean for those of us who in our teens were trying and desperately wanting to keep our faith). We're up for 5 months, really diligent in prayer (you'll never believe this but I actually just misspelled 'dilligent' just now, sp caught it though!), love rockin' the praise and worship CD's in the car, and stoked to study our bibles. Then we get inundated with papers and friends needing consoling at 3 am in the morning because they didn't do their Pagano notebook and neither did you and you've GOT to get those freaking pages done or else your World History notebook is going to have a nice red 'F' on it come 4th period tomorrow. Thus, your time is occupied by 'other things.' That's understandable. I mean hey! You're in your teenage years, you're allowed to be a neurotic mess. But no worries. You'll come back just as strong the next 'up' go around.

But I'm wondering how it works now. If it works the same. And wondering if I'll ever have that 'up' time ever again. I surely hope so. But I have my doubts. I have no good excuse now. I'm grown up. I do still have the dilemma of school demands, but what the heck else is eating up so much of my darned time? I wonder why I don't have that burn like I used to. For a while I've thought maybe I screwed it up beyond fixableness. Maybe this becoming Catholic was a huge mistake. I've just alienated myself from anything I ever had in common with my friends and family. I'm such an oddball as it is, what the heck was I thinking eliminating my one common tie to everyone I've ever known or been close to?!?! But deep in my heart I know that's not it. Further proof, I found the very first Catholic trading card (prayer card, we Catholics do joke you know..even when having a 2am hormonal blog post) in my 3rd wallet tonight (don't ask why I have 3, I still don't know myself) and the scripture on the front was John 6 (the very scripture that I couldn't get over about the Eucharist that MADE my case for becoming Catholic). Go figure. I've been carrying it around with me for 3 years not knowing what was coming.

And it's not even that I don't try to put time in. I do. I read every night, without fail. And even when I thought I was just going through the motions, I stopped. I took a breather and picked it back up. I pray every night and throughout the day and at every meal, sometimes snack. I'm almost ridiculous about it. I go to Confession at least once a month (okay, fine, month and a half MAX). I worship my little heart out on the way to everywhere I go. And yet my heart feels closed, my words are garbage, and my thoughts aren't a whole heck of a lot better. Am I missing something here!?

I used to be so compassionate towards others. I used to care. I would never say no to anyone (that is still partly true). I wouldn't dream of saying 'hell' in the wrong crowd. I used to be able to pour my heart out and say whatever was on my mind without shame or being worried about what I might sound like. Now with the few that I was able to do that with best, I shut down. I clam up. What the heck is going on here?!?! Kade does NOT clam up. Have you met me? You're lucky if you can get a word in for every 3 pages.

Worst of all, I used to dream of being married, having my adorable little button nosed kids. Now, all I can think is, gosh I hope I'll be able to afford it. I've really got to get my degree. I mean what the heck? I feel like I've lost all sense of being womanly and knowing my role. I used to command that heck no! was I going to worry about that. That was the man's job. Mine is to provide the heart. I liked it better not knowing the stress.

Oh and another thing. I hate college. I used to love it. Of course, back when I loved it I didn't really know what it was. I had tremendous professors who were conservative and didn't give marks off for including my faith in my papers or work. Now I am surrounded by people my age who just don't get it. They're picketing on the lawn for abortion and Obama.

Maybe this is just a bad case of a transitional phase. Maybe I'm just really realizing this world isn't really made for us anymore. Either way I need a jump start and I have no idea what else to do to get it. Any ideas God?!?

My week

2008-08-29T18:34:00.007-04:00

I have decided I am going to start chronicling my weeks since they are often times so very busy and I forget what I did, who I saw, and where I went. I think it'll be fun. And hopefully it'll improve my photography skills in the process!

This week I..

Drove way out into the country and into Tarpon Springs (twice in one day) to get the correct book for art history II.

Fell madly in love with Kasey all over again.

Downloaded my very first compiler to start programming in C.

Bought a crocheted sweater cardigan I've been wanting for ages.

Bought an inflatable pool so I could cool off from the scorching heat.

Celebrated the Feast of my beautiful St. Augustine.

Wrapped Stephanilynn's awesome present.

And wore black.

Seaweed has never been so scary..

2008-08-18T20:50:00.001-04:00

Flashback..

2008-08-15T23:38:00.000-04:00

I am writing this blog on a Friday night to remind my future self of just how hard it is to sacrifice staying up late on a Friday night just so I can get up to work on a Saturday morning. Note to future self: cherish your Saturday morning and don't complain about whatever it is you have to go and do.

Note to future self: if fired from job, erase blog post. =0)

Cleaning out my computer...

2008-08-06T00:01:00.000-04:00

I can't remember if I wrote this or not..it was on my computer so either I did or I stole it from someone else...!?

You’re standing in the foyer
Your hair is dripping wet
Your clothes are soaked from the rain

I go to get a towel
So that you can dry your face and eyes
But as I turn to walk away
I feel you take another step inside

Who would do such a thing
Muck up the rest of the floor
When you’ve already dripped all over my rug

I turn around to push you back to your puddle
But you won’t budge an inch
Then figure to myself “what the heck, just give in”

You’re standing even closer now, when I have finally returned
The towel is placed in your hands
My very patience and hospitality
Is now too, soaking and drenched

Our eyes are now connected in one frozen solid glance
I can tell now you’re getting ready
To break your firm stance

With a promise to dry off, which room do you wish to enter
The living, family room, or the kitchen
With one step at a time you move
Until you’ve reached your final position

You’re now in the kitchen
The very heart of my home
I have made you a meal
But now you wish to eat it alone

I make you a plate and set it down before you
But out of the corner of my eye
I see the tracks of mud
You’ve so carelessly tracked inside

It takes you a minute, but now you see them too
We both wish that you would have taken just a minute
To take off your dirty shoes
Now you want me out
So that you can clean up your mess
And although this pains me much
I’ll gladly grant your request

You return my patience to me
Handed my hospitality back too
You’ve been kind enough to dry them off
Right now, they’re of no use to you

So now I fold them up
Place them back upon the shelf
For the next time that you need them
But for now, I’ll keep them to myself

Awesome Testament to No Birth Control...

2008-07-29T18:00:00.000-04:00

What a beautiful family..

http://news.aol.com/article/woman-44-gives-birth-to-18th-child/104381?icid=100214839x1206748323x1200336854

A Rosary a Day Keeps Sin Away...

2008-07-29T01:41:00.001-04:00

The homily from Sunday was filled with asking us what our true desire is..what is most important to us. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that when life gets busy our faith suffers. And when life gets too slow, we become bored and stray for something more appealing.

So in an effort to stay close and to truly exercise what is most important..I am instituting 'a Rosary a day' for 30 days. I will be keeping in line with the typical day of the week sets of mysteries (Monday- Joyful, Tuesday- Sorrowful, Wednesday- Glorious, Thursday- Luminous, Friday- Sorrowful, Saturday- Joyful, Sunday- Glorious).

Join me if you will..and let's spend some time with our Family. =0)

Likes

2008-07-01T21:23:00.000-04:00

Some things instantly bring a smile to my face. In efforts to half-recreate my intro on my myspace page a few years ago, I'm typing a bunch up in a blog. Just for fun..I like...

Warm towels out of the dryer
Singing my heart out
A glass of wine
Going barefoot
Daisies
Pajamas
Gelaties
Gadgets
Really dangerous stormy days
Really sunshine-filled days
A cool bed
A good Scott Hahn or theology book
My snake light I keep in my bed at night so I don't have to get up and turn the normal light off when I'm done reading (I just roll over =0)
Good hair days
Babies (especially in large numbers)
Painting
Random acts of kindness
Bright colors
Socks
Alone time
Social butterfly time
The feeling I instantly get when I walk into a Catholic church and smell incense burning- even my nose tells me I'm home =0)
Friends
Hallmark
Christmas
Buying something for someone else that I know they'll love
Late nights
Early mornings when I've had 8 hours of sleep
Liturgy
Surprising someone else and making their day
Loving recklessly with my heart wide open
A clear, blue sky
Swinging at the park
The smell of the salty air driving over the bridge
Pastitsio
The Melting Pot
Laughing so hard I cry
Cooking
Baking a million cookies and UPS-ing them
'Peace-be-with-you'
Running into an old friend
The military
Getting new nail polish for a pedicure
Having the time to do a pedicure
Being so busy I can't see straight- but getting a lot done
Laundry
Lemonade cake
Roses that aren't red (hate red roses)
Smiling
Waking up the morning after a really good work out
The feeling of accomplishment
Learning new things I never even thought about
Long chats with people who get me
The flow of badness turning into goodness and then goodness turning into badness and then starting the cycle all over again
The beauty of imperfections
Not caring
Hoodies
Drawing
Friday and Saturday nights at home
Flying
The sound of different languages and/or accents in the background
The gentle flicker of lightning bugs when I'm outside at night
Not needing words to communicate something to someone
God's infinite, unconditional love
Getting expensive things for really cheap
Organization
My ipod
Laying out in the sunshine and getting a nice tan
Falling asleep at unexpected times
Procrastination
Being prepared for anything
Having the preparation bite me in the butt
Getting through something I didn't think I could (wisdom teeth removal- prime example)
Examples
Alexander Keith's
Penance
Not expressing a lot of emotion (I kind of hate this, but I like not expressing it a lot, because then when I do it's really profound)
Making a BIG deal out of birthdays and special events for other people
Wrapping presents
Kisses and hugs from Kasey
Paws from Taylor
Working up a good sweat
Routines
Having my routines wrecked (gosh that's a good feeling) =0)
Brian Regan
Flight of the Conchords
Strawberries
Finding the 'warm spot' in my bed
Latin - especially 'In nomine Patri et Fili et Spiritus Sancti'
Adoration when I'm alone
Adoration when there's others there too
Adoration anytime
Making memories
Vacations
Anything Italian
Candle light showers
Two-fers
Math (I know it's strange but I love it now)
Straight A's
Being the best (I cheer!!)
Being the worst (I laugh!!)
Standing my ground
Letting my guard down
Being disciplined when I need it
Singing 'for the Kingdom, the power, and the glory..' really loud with my brothers and sisters after we come back in after the prayer at Mass
Mass
My god family
My biological family
The Church
Sight-reading a really hard song well
Deep breaths
Checking my email every 15 minutes
There actually being new mail to check
Going to bed early
Leggings (no worries I don't wear them out of the house, I'm still modest)
Modesty
Clear skin
Air conditioning
Snow capped mountains
Picnics (I'm really mad the last boyfriends have not taken me on a picnic)
Peace and quiet
Planning the day
Building something or putting something together (makes me feel mechanical and equipped!)
Not feeling like I have to rush
Writing to future hubby (he's got a lot to read on our wedding night) =0P
Funny looks and expressions
Macaroni and cheese
Surfing (or attempting to)
Baseball games (particularly if Chipper is there)
Saying 'please' and 'thank-you'
Old fashioned-ness
Family dinners
Piling my hair into a big curly mess
Taking pictures
Being witty
Making others laugh
Not having pressures
Working under deadlines
Rollerblading
Batting my eyelashes and doing my 'shocked face'
Kartwheels
Silent prayers
Structured prayers
Free-style prayers
Plain colored t-shirts
Chocolate milk
Really stocked bookshelves (with books I want to read..naturally)
Burping
Driving like a mad woman
My other room
My regular room
Proper grammar
The Office
and....

honey nut chex

Truth to the Men

2008-06-25T14:43:00.000-04:00

...a reactionary movement.

Let me start by saying I have mixed feelings about writing this blog. I am mainly writing it as a reaction to the girl version. ;0) But really, I don't think it's fair to group everyone in one boat. We're all different. Also, the people who don't get it, never have and probably never will. Chances are they'll settle down with the wrong person because they're looking for the 'perfect match' and I'm sorry to break it to you, but that does not exist. There's soul mates I do believe, but even those have extremely high HIGHS! and extremely low LOWS!! Trouble arises when people do not want to put the WORK that it truly takes into a relationship. So this is more of a fun read.

"I want a woman who respects herself."
A lot of men say this, yet they don't give a second look to the girl modestly dressed. Our culture is so oversexed we've become desensitized to thinking 'normal' is pretty. Rarely does a guy whistle at me when I'm in a plain t-shirt and jeans. But the second I wear a skirt (and do keep in mind, with the exception of a wedding I went to recently, my skirts are all right below the knee), I get cat calls like you would not believe. "Ulgh" is my response. Dress is usually a good initial precursor to whether a woman respects herself or not. But an even better one is the list of guys she's dated (I'm meaning quantity AND quality here). Women who do not respect themselves and are looking for lots of outward affirmation (because she didn't get it from her father) typically have dated and/or slept with many a men. They are truly looking for a father, not a date. These girls need time alone to mature more than anything, stay far away.

A woman who respects herself has:
*A short list of boyfriends (she is careful with whom she doles out the treasures of her heart)
*Has serious goals (whether it's to be a mom, a college graduate, etc.)
*Occupies her time with clean activities (shy on the going out every night - clubbing, bars, etc.)
*Has many clean female friends (this sounds misplaced, but I assure you that a woman who is comfortable with herself gets along great with other females; she does not feel she is in a long-running competition with the women of the world for the most eligible bachelor).

"I don't know how to approach a girl."
I laugh at this one. A huge problem with guys these days is that they're just too darned shy. The cardinal rule IS and SHOULD BE that a girl never asks a guy out. This is NOT the way God invented it. Even once you're in a relationship, it is the man's responsibility to lead. Sorry 21st century women, you're not supposed to be calling the shots. If you're hoping she'll come to you, you're going to be waiting an awfully long time. As far as the means to approaching, here are some ground rules. Whistles and 'checking-out' looks get you taken off the list faster than McDonald's french fries. This is an instant indication that you don't respect us. As cheesy as it may sound, a simple "hi" or "you look nice today" will usually do the trick. We're not robots. There isn't really a set formula. We're just people, therefore, we respond best to personal connections. When we're walking down the street and you think we're cute, instead of letting your eyes drift downward, here's a tip... smile. We like those. (It also gives us a chance to make sure you've got all your teeth and there's no gold on them ;0).

"I'd clean my act up if I just had the right woman."
Bullllllllllllllllll. This isn't how it works. No woman is truly attracted to a bum. If you smoke, if you drink, if you don't have a job, if you don't have any goals or interests...you have no business putting yourself out on the 'market.' That's a good analogy, let's run with that. Attracting women is much like selling a house. Let's say you've got a 'For Sale' sign out on your lawn. But the shutters are really kinda falling apart. The shingles on the roof are a little loose and weathered. The paint is peeling off the trim. There is junk stacked up all around the porch and there is a less than kosher smell coming from the garage. Would you stop in to check the place out!? NO! Fixer uppers are always fixer uppers. No one has the time or energy these days to do a complete 180 of a house. We don't have the energy to fix up an entire other person either. Even if you clean yourself up temporarily, once the crap starts filtering out through the cracks in the septic tank (and trust me, the crap will come out sooner or later), we're probably going to make a run for it. These kinds of guys just need some good old fashioned time alone. Take pride in yourself. And please, take a shower.

"I want someone to share my life with."
This usually comes with a long list nested within it. Typically goes a little something like this: fun loving, beautiful, funny, smart, sexy, etc. etc. You're meeting girls and checking off boxes on your list while looking for perfection and what you think will make YOU happy. Let's blow the lid off this sucker right now. Ain't never gonna happen. You want a perfect girlfriend now and a perfect wife later. Perfect girlfriends usually make crappy wives. They're too darned self-absorbed putting all their efforts into getting their nails done and their hair bleached another shade of white, whoops..I mean blond..to notice what's going on with anyone else. Wife material and girlfriend material are two entirely different things. Wives put care and effort into others. They're the ones who always go the extra mile to make something extra special for SOMEBODY ELSE. (It makes sense if you think about it, a wife is the care giver in the marriage. Oh don't be shocked. Like you're going to clean up the vomit and diarrhea soaked sheets in the middle of the night while your kids are sick at 4am.) The girls who are manicured to a 't' are too self-absorbed. They're the kind that will miss their daughter's dance recital if it interferes with their hair appointment, instead of the straggly mom staying up all hours to make sure her costume is every little ballerina's dream. You want to know what you want if you truly want someone to share your life with? The straggly haired woman! Because believe it or not, THAT is what you will find so irresistible when you're 60.

"I want a girl who doesn't want me for my money."
Then quit going around saying how much you make. I went on a date a few months ago that almost made me throw up. The guy wouldn't shut up about how big his house was, how expensive his car was, and the only brands of clothes that were acceptable. "Well shoot, why did you ask me out then...I shop at Walmart and clearance racks! And I'm not changing my ways anytime soon!" I'll let you boys in on a little secret...most women are after your money. It means having the Lexus SUV, $900,000 house, and Coach luggage they've always wanted. If they don't have a dime in the bank of their own money, this is a good indication they're 'needing' some of yours. This should never be bait for a girl. You can let her know kindly that you're committed to being a provider for your family AFTER you've gotten pretty serious. That they will never go needy, but that they won't have everything. Run that line by her and watch her run.

“I don’t feel in love anymore!”
Me either! I had this barbie doll that broke my heart just as quick as her hair went flat. You see love is a passing emotion. I love trail-mix one day and chicken the next. Chances are that the woman you are with will change. Loving someone totally means learning to love them again and again. Quit letting your emotions lead you. (This one is perfect...except needed barbies ;0)..you know..every girl's wholesome role model).

"I want a good woman."
Or let's just say it...you want a virgin. This one is so flawed I can hardly stand it. Let me tell you boys, as a woman who hasn't had sex and been in relationships, you're asking a mighty big double standard. I have NEVER dated a virgin and never even had the opportunity. The pond is tainted. And let me tell you the natural course of events. You've had sex. You start a relationship with a woman who hasn't. And you start out just fine with that, you really think this time you can do without it. Then a few months pass by, it starts to get tough. You're really getting to know each other and you really like kissing her but you really feel the urge to be a little bit closer. So you start to push. A little more, a little more, until finally one of two things happens. A- You have sex. B- You don't have sex and you can't take it anymore. You leave. I'm a virgin, but by nature I don't want to be. I'm one of the few out there that will tell it like it is. Guys and girls are naturally sexually attracted to one another. This is healthy and natural. When I feel a guy I'm close with desires me in that way I feel attractive and sexy. I need to know he has that initial response so I don't feel like a drone. But when he starts to push the envelope, I'm torn. I like feeling attractive, but when it comes down to it I only want to feel that attraction the strongest from one man. So do all women. So stop pushing so hard. If you truly want someone who hasn't had sex, you have to give that back to them. You can't ask for that gift to be saved for you and then try to take it. However, this leaves a hole. In PLACE of those advances, you need to follow it up with a show of attraction that is respectable (BECAUSE WE NEED TO KNOW). When she gets to be too much for you to stand, don't try to make out with her...send her flowers. REALLY expensive ones (this will help you get a grip on those feelings..or else you'll go broke). When you're really serious, send her a purity ring. You get the idea. Double up on holding her hand and kissing her cheek. Don't ignore physical affirmation. MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. The bigger a deal you make it in a pure sense (I mean the build up of flowers, poetry, etc. not pushing the pda), the bigger a deal it makes it to break it. If you try to close a lid on it, you're asking to get a room.

That's all I've got for the moment. But really, no two people are perfect. Both sexes are always going to clash. We all fight, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. At the end of the day, you find the person who gives you enough room to breathe and change while still holding onto your hand.

Today

2008-06-24T12:00:00.001-04:00

I have two goals today:

1) I'm going to SPC and registering for my Fall classes

2) I'm building this little thing... http://www.gmilburn.ca/ac/geoff_ac.html

My very first pseudocode (complete at least)...aww how cute!

2008-06-08T14:06:00.000-04:00

start
perform housekeeping ()
while not eof
perform mainLoop ()
endwhile
stop

housekeeping ()
declare variables
furnRecord
num stockNumber
char description
num wholesalePrice
num retailPrice
char mainHeading = “FURNITURE”
char columnHead1 = “STOCK DESCRIPTION PROFIT”
char columnHead2= “NUMBER”
open files
FURNITURE, Printer
print mainHeading
print columnHead1
print columnHead2
read furnRecord
return
mainLoop ()
profit = retailPrice – wholesalePrice
print stockNumber, description, profit
read furnRecord
return

finishUp ()
close files
FURNITURE, Printer
return

Re-post

2008-06-03T14:28:00.000-04:00

As I am drawing closer to the time I said I'd open my heart back up again to relationships, I think it's good for me to keep all of this in mind..

***And my addition to this list for me specifically..is to quit freaking rebounding. SHEESH I do that a lot. It's the time when I'm at my weakest and the absolute WORST time for me to try to be pure.***

Property of Dave Sloan (brilliant man!)

DATING LICENSE
OFFICIAL TEST FOR ALL APPLICANTS
Answer Key and Explanations:

1. The source of our sexual desires is:

A. The Devil.
B. Beer commercials.
C. Co-ed dorms.
D. Britney Spears.
E. God.

Answer: E. God.

Explanation: For any creature, there is no greater good than to be created. Our creator has chosen to create us through sex, and to create us as sexual creatures, male or female from the very beginning. In this way, as male and female, we are the very image of the living God.

2. The ultimate purpose of our sexual desires is:

A. To provide content for beer commercials.
B. Procreation.
C. The bonding of husband and wife.
D. To draw us closer to God.
E. To cause men to lust and women to feel self-conscious.

Answer: D. To draw us closer to God.

Explanation: Heaven is a nuptial union, the "wedding feast of the lamb," in which God is the groom, and we, his church, are the bride. All of our desires are intended to draw us more deeply into awareness of, even participation in, this union to which are called in Heaven.

3. The ultimate purpose of dating is:

A. To lead to courtship.
B. To lead to marriage.
C. To cause worry, frenzy, and heartbreak.
D. To draw us closer to God.
E. I don't know; I can't get a date.

Answer: D. To draw us closer to God.

Explanation: Dating is a process of discovering more about one another and about ourselves. This process is a participation in the revelation of God's image in us as male and female. God intends to, and will if we let him, draw us nearer to him in every one of our relationships, and particularly in those relationships which are open to marriage and touch upon the deepest truths of the nuptial meaning of our lives and bodies.

4. All romantic relationships should begin with:

A. Quarterback meeting cheerleader.
B. Love at first sight.
C. Brother-sister relationships.
D. Dating each other's best friends.
E. Lots of kissing and slow dancing.

Answer: C. Brother-sister relationships.

Explanation: The lover in "The Song of Solomon," exclaims, "You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride." We must recognize in one another the truth that we are children of God and we are entrusted to one another in this way. Sibling love should be the foundation of all dating relationships. This is a better, deeper, and richer way to understand these relationships than is mere friendship.

5. Serial monogamy is:

A. Good with milk for breakfast.
B. Like polygamy except different.
C. Pretending to be committed to a series of people.
D. A good protection against psoriasis and other contagious diseases.
E. A healthy lifestyle of dating only one person at a time.

Answer: C. Pretending to be committed to a series of people.

Explanation: Most people in our society claim that sex is fine in so-called "committed" relationships. Almost no one ever tells the truth about what is and is not being committed in these relationships. Our hearts nearly always make us pretend that the pseudo-commitment is more than just one more in a series of such charades.

6. Women are more prone to sentimentality because:

A. It helps them put up with their husbands and boyfriends.
B. They cry more at movies.
C. They cry more on Oprah.
D. They cry more at weddings.
E. They cry more.
F. They have deeper and richer emotional and psychological lives than do men.E. They cry more.

Answer: F. They have deeper and richer emotional and psychological lives than do men.

Explanation: Men respond much more, and more quickly, to the surface level, to the signals of the senses. Women are more aware of and more able to care about the well-being of others, and therefore are more prone to sentimentality.

7. Men are more prone to sensuality because:

A. It helps them not be so analytical all the time.
B. Of beer commercials.
C. Of beer.
D. Of head injuries incurred playing football, rugby, and hockey.
E. Of the Victoria's Secret Catalog.
F. Men respond more quickly to the surface impressions of the senses.

Answer: F. Men respond more quickly to the surface impressions of the senses.

Explanation: Hey, men are just plain simpler creatures.

8. Women whose friends are all men:

A. Are smart to avoid the cattiness of other women.
B. Are probably tomboys who like sports and other guy stuff.
C. Make excellent girlfriends, wives, and CIA agents.
D. Must learn to be friends with women before they're ready for true courtship.
E. Will rip a guy's heart out and put it the blender with soy milk and/or yogurt.

Answer: D. Must learn to be friends with women before they're ready for true courtship.

Explanation: All relationships should grow out of healthy family relationships, especially with other Christians as brothers and sisters, and with God as our father. It's too easy for women to attract interest from men, and that does not require them to learn to be true sisters in Christ to others.

9. You can tell if a man can be trusted by:

A. Watching how his friends treat women.
B. Finding out what sort of women he's dated recently.
C. Discerning whether his life is grounded in grace and peace.
D. Watching how he treats busboys, waiters, the poor, and other overlooked people.
E. All of the above.

Answer: E. All of the above.

Explanation: There's really no excuse for kissing every frog you meet in hopes that one turns into a prince. Just use this frog detector, and save your kisses for Your Real True Prince.

10. A man should be looking to court a woman who:

A. Knows how to curtsey in that nice, old-fashioned way.
B. Is equally comfortable and charming in grungy gardening clothes or a fancy formal gown.
C. Exhibits the qualities of daughter, sister, and mother in her relationships in her family and church community.
D. Has not recently dated any of his friends, at least not that he's aware of, and he has not dated any of her friends, at least not that she's aware of.
E. Has an attractive mother because that way he knows that she'll still be attractive when she gets older too.
F. Whenever he wears a new sweater she compliments it and rubs the fabric right against his triceps muscle.
G. Acts like she's really glad to see him whenever they meet but usually doesn't return his calls for about four days and then agrees to go out with him but says she won't have time until the month after next.
H. Is too bright and pretty and talented and sought after for a guy like him to really have a chance at and is probably only agreeing to go out with him out of pity.

Answer: C. Exhibits the qualities of daughter, sister, and mother in her relationships in her family and church community.

Explanation: (This applies equally for men and women). The triune God is a family. All of our relationships should grow out of our relationship with this family God. We are children to our parents, and to our heavenly Father, and we are spiritual children to our mentors as well--as Paul refers to many Christians as his children. We are brothers and sisters to our siblings, and through Christ we are spiritual siblings to every Christian. And we must exhibit the life-giving qualities of parenthood as we care for, and give to, and even lead the ones for whose well-being we have been given some share of responsibility-Again Paul's spiritual fatherhood is an example for us, as is Mary's spiritual motherhood to John. When a man and woman court, there should be a meeting of all of these: daughter and son, brother and sister, mother and father. This is the fertile soil from which grows what Paul in Ephesians calls the great mystery, the miracle of bride and bridegroom becoming one flesh giving birth to the Christian family.

11. You should only marry someone if:

A. You desire each other physically.
B. You are attracted to each other's spirits.
C. You are excited by each other's minds.
D. You long to be close, really close, really, really close, in every way.
E. All of the above.

Answer: E. All of the above.

Explanation: The problem with our society is not that we desire too much, but that we desire too little. "Delight in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37). And read "The Song of Solomon," too. God is all about passion. He made it.

12. It's okay for a woman to ask a man out if:

A. He just doesn't seem to "get" the signals she's sending.
B. She plans to pick up the tab at dinner.
C. She likes holding the door for men.
D. She wants a man who will wear her ring and take her name.
E. She wants to stand at the altar and watch him walk down the aisle as the choir sings "here comes the groom" and everyone weeps over his beauty.
F. It's rarely a good idea for a woman to ask a man out.

Answer: F. It's rarely a good idea for a woman to ask a man out.

Explanation: We know the way these roles are supposed to look later in courtship, so we might as well start out that way, instead of starting backwards and trying to fix it later. Men in our society have to relearn how to properly court and respect and treat women. Women asking men out usually serves to diminish that needed respect for women and care for their hearts.

13. The best way for a woman to tell a guy she's NOT interested when he asks her on a date is:

A. Just tell him she's too busy and doesn't have time to do that at this point in time.
B. Laugh and kick him in the shin, then pour green slime on his head.
C. Say yes then make the date then break it then change it then break it then never take any of his calls again and move to another city.
D. Say maybe then when he calls come up with excuses to postpone it as long as possible and hope he turns into a frog or something soon and just hops away.
E. Say yes and hope he means just as friends then go out with him and somehow try to bear the distaste and unpleasantness of being with him.
F. Thank him nicely and tell him right up front and quite simply that she doesn't think that's a good idea.

Answer: F. Thank him nicely and tell him right up front and quite simply that she doesn't think that's a good idea.

Explanation: Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Most men have been lied to and misled many times in this regard, even by good, sincere Christian women. That sort of dishonesty makes dating much harder than it needs to be, and adds to the whole climate of mistrust and anxiety in our relationships.

14. The best way for a guy to let a gal know he is attracted to her and wants to date her is:

A. To write a note to her best friend in social studies class and get her to pass it over.
B. To pull her pigtail and then run away.
C. Tell her he thinks she's lovely and ask if he can take her out and treat her to lunch or coffee sometime.
D. Date three or four of her friends and hope she gets jealous and gets interested.
E. Pretend he just wants to be friends as a way to spend time near her.
F. Thank him nicely and tell him right up front and quite simply that she doesn't think that's a good idea.

Answer: C. Tell her he thinks she's lovely and ask if he can take her out and treat her to lunch or coffee sometime.

Explanation: Sadly, honesty is a very difficult commodity to come by in these situations. But it is priceless. The truth, always, will set us free. We can do it. It takes prayer, but we can be honest, and it's lots more fun.

15. It's time to advance from dating to serious courtship when:

A. We know each other's middle names.
B. Why not just start with serious courtship?
C. We're sure that our feelings for each other are really authentic.
D. His last girlfriend and her last boyfriend finally stop calling and showing up and stalking and begging and threatening suicide and murder.
E. We really know each other well enough to make an honest commitment to exclusive dating and formal courtship.
F. We've seen each other naked.

Answer: E. We really know each other well enough to make an honest commitment to exclusive dating and formal courtship.

Explanation: This is one thing people agree with most and follow through on the least about this program. PASSION IS POWERFUL STUFF. It's hard to take the time to get to know someone before making commitments such as exclusive and serious courtship. Knowing how we FEEL about the person is not the same as knowing the person. Knowing the person takes time. Skipping the time is a form of dishonesty, because it involves a pretense of a commitment which is not based on real information.

16. It's time to get engaged when:

A. We're positive that our feelings for each other are truly authentic.
B. We need a way to rationalize having sex together.
C. We're pregnant.
D. Gosh darn we're just so intoxicated on the intensity of emotion in this new relationship that we don't know what else to do.
E. We know each other so well that we are assured that our desires for one another in mind, body and spirit are deep and strong and true and are drawing us closer to God and to our fellow Christians.
F. We can't stop having sex together, so we better get married to legitimize it.

Answer: E. We know each other so well that we are assured that our desires for one another in mind, body and spirit are deep and strong and true and are drawing us closer to God and to our fellow Christians.

Explanation: We're surrounded by people, including very committed Christians, who get engaged and then begin discerning whether they are really compatible and ready to marry. That is insane. An engagement is a promise to marry. Don't make a promise like that until after taking the time to find out for sure that this is the right thing in God's plan.

17. We should tell each other our deepest secrets:

A. When Hell freezes over.
B. When we're cutting the wedding cake.
C. When it's too late to return the wedding presents.
D. After a long, patient dating period and before committing to formal courtship.
E. When we can't afford to pay the blackmail anymore.
F. Before getting engaged.

Answer: D. After a long, slow dating period and before beginning formal courtship.

Explanation: We shouldn't reveal intimate things too soon, as that implies the sort of commitment which couldn't exist yet. But justice, and, even more, charity, demand that we reveal the truth before we do advance to the stage of a formally committed courtship. We shouldn't ask someone for such a serious commitment without telling them why they might not want to make it. It isn't fair to ask someone else to risk his or heart unnecessarily just because we're afraid of rejection. That would be selfish. And, remember, whatever we may feel, there is no real need to rush into formal courtship if we're not ready to tell our secrets. It's okay to take it easy, and slow, until we are ready.

18. A three-quarter cuddle with a semi-snuggle:

A. Could seamlessly segue into a full-frontal snuggle huddle.
B. Is not acceptable on the first date unless dinner was very expensive.
C. Is not acceptable at any stage of a relationship, including marriage.
D. Should not be attempted before the fifth month of dating, and then should be practiced no more than once a week as the only acceptable test of sexual compatibility before marriage.
E. Is usually not contagious.
F. Is illegal in Utah.

Answer: A. Could seamlessly segue into a full-frontal snuggle huddle.

Explanation: Passionate embraces are mystically complex beyond anything any rules could regulate or words could define. We must seek true purity of heart and take the Lord into all of our embraces-only then can we be close in the way we truly called to be, without fear and with the God of desire using our passion to lift us up to paradise.

19. When dating more than one person at a time:

A. Don't do it at exactly the same time.
B. Try to keep the people you're dating from all being in the same place together where they might talk about it and make everyone feel awkward.
C. Be sure to be fair and spend the same amount of time, including phone calls, with each person until you've made up your mind which one to begin formal courtship with.
D. Christians can't date more than one person at a time--that's Mormons.
E. Be honest about it well before there's any possible impression of serious commitment.
F. Be sure to remember everyone's name correctly, even if you have to take Polaroid pictures and write their names on them.

Answer: E. Be honest about it well before there's any possible impression of serious commitment.

Explanation: Yes, Christians should be open to dating more than one person at a time. This is implicit in the fact that early dating, i.e. getting to know each other, should not involve a commitment to exclusivity.

20. The guideline for knowing how far is too far is:

A. Holding hands during dating and kissing during courtship.
B. If it's fun, don't do it.
C. If it might make her Dad shoot you, don't do it.
D. If it might get you invited on Jerry Springer, don't do it.
E. Just don't do it.
F. Pray constantly, and take God into your snuggle huddles--after all he is the God of desire, and he is the only one who can make desire holy.

Answer: F. Pray constantly, and take God into your snuggle huddles; after all he is the God of Desire, and he is the only one who can make desire holy.

Explanation: To the pure all things are pure. There is no substitute for purity of heart, nor is there any greater joy for two people to experience than the harmony of their desire for one another and their desire for God woven together into one song sung by two pure hearts.

21. A woman is ready to date when:

A. She's tired of partying all the time and doesn't like dancing to that music they play in clubs these days anyway so she figures she may as well settle down.
B. All of her friends are married and she's lonely on weekends.
C. Tickets to the new Madonna tour are $275 each and she'd really like someone to take her.
D. She can be comfortable going out with a guy as his sister in Christ while remaining open to whatever God might have in mind for the relationship.
E. Just don't do it.

Answer: D. She can be comfortable going out with a guy as his sister in Christ while remaining open to whatever God might have in mind for the relationship.

Explanation: Getting to know each other, especially the people toward whom we feel particularly drawn in mind, body and spirit, is a good thing. Beyond that, we just have to trust the Lord.

22. A man is ready to date when:

A. He's saved up enough money to pay for an expensive dinner.
B. He's figured out how to play the game, talk the talk, get the digits, and close the deal.
C. He's really tired of hanging out with the guys at the sports bar on Saturday nights.
D. He can tell a gal that he would like to get to know her as a sister in Christ and possibly more, and he is not devastated if she is interested in being brother and sister in Christ but not in the possibly more part.
E. His friends will think he is a loser if he doesn't manage to get a date one of these days.
F. He's really sure that marriage is what he wants in life.

Answer: D. He can tell a gal that he would like to get to know her as a sister in Christ and possibly more, and he is not devastated if she is interested in being brother and sister in Christ but not in the possibly more part.

Explanation: It really is critical to want to be a brother to a woman prior to being able to pursue the possibility of more, and that means truly being a brother to her no matter what, even if she likes cuter guys with better jobs.

23. After prioritizing God, a woman's job in courtship is to:

A. Not be afraid to be beautiful, be feminine, and wear something nice.
B. Make a guy work to earn the right to court her.
C. Dole out the treasures her heart, her emotional and physical intimacy, very slowly.
D. Remember that woman is uniquely God's partner in creating and nurturing life, and deserves to be recognized for all of her glory and splendor.
E. Realize how hard this is for guys and be very honest, very gentle, and careful with his heart.
F. All of the above.

Answer: F. All of the above.

Explanation: Read all twelve principles, or watch any good old movie, or read any good old book, and all of that should be pretty clear.

24. After prioritizing God, a man's job in courtship is to:

A. Earn her trust, and earn the right to be near her.
B. Let her know she is treasured without putting pressure on her in any way.
C. Let her know exactly where she stands at every step of the way.
D. Remember that woman is uniquely God's partner in creating and nurturing life, and deserves to be recognized for all of her glory and splendor.
E. Realize how hard this is for gals and be very honest, very gentle, and careful with her heart.
F. All of the above.

Answer: F. All of the above.

Explanation: Read all twelve principles, or watch any good old movie, or read any good old book and all of that should be pretty clear.

Moments..

2008-06-02T14:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes there are moments when God just stops me in my tracks and I'm in awe of just how much He loves me (us) and how much I love Him back. Sometimes it's in the form of His fruits within people, sometimes it's just His presence. It can be after I helped a customer at work and as a thank you they say "God bless you." It can be an older lady in a wheel chair at church who has trouble mustering up the courage to stand, yet she's there at mass until the last note of the last song is played. And sometimes, when I'm really blessed, it's the beautiful scape He paints across the sky.

I've managed to capture a few of these moments and while I can't explain them in heavenly terms, I'm sure gonna try. =0)

The first was a cross in the sky while I was laying out by the pool. I had, had dinner with my Godparents a few weeks before and they were catching me up on their trip to Rome. They got to go off the beaten path with a few special people who really helped to make their pilgrimage a heartfelt and meaningful one. One of these special people was a very kind Sister. She took them on a private tour (I believe it was Florence) one day. They saw all these amazing churches and all this beautiful history of our church and they really just had a phenomenal time. It was about time to go back and the Sister smiled and said, "Would you look at that? There's a cross in the clouds. God's giving us a beautiful sight to wrap up a beautiful day." Everything around them was just full of God. "How amazing!!" I thought. And then a few weeks later...

It's a little hard to see, and it started to fade as I realized I needed a picture. But the top of it is peeking out over the tops of those trees in the background. Not the same as when I first saw it..but the memory is still there. =0)

The more recent instance was last Saturday night. I had been feeling particularly crappy because I'd had a week where I had just really fallen down in my faith. It wasn't anything planned I was just so darned busy and swamped with stuff all I cared about was me and what I wanted (in short, I could have cared less to help anyone else around me). I was embarrassed to go to Confession (the first time that's ever really happened..I'm usually so open and forthcoming). I really didn't want to admit my selfishness. I somehow got myself over to the line though and I went. As it never fails to do, it brought me such peace and joy and immediately took away the shame. I left with a much lighter heart and proceeded to go home. Sadly, the joyous drive home after mass was quickly quenched the second I came in the door. For reasons I won't go much into, home is not always a happy place. There are people here who do not share my love for the Church and it often depresses me that there isn't a whole lot I can do about it, but to be a living testament to the best of my ability. I decided after dinner I needed a breather so I set out to get some dessert from Publix. Feeling like crap I pull out of the drive way and start down the road towards the main drag. I come to the stop sign and above it is the most massive white, glowing cloud I've seen in a long time. I almost started to cry, but instead had to smile because I knew what it meant. My beautiful Savior was consoling me, through a big glowing blob of dust particles. It's just like Him, isn't it?! He always takes nothing and makes something out of it. That led to this one...

Lastly, I turn onto the main hwy to get to the store and the cloud was even bigger than I had originally thought. I took another picture, only to realize afterwards just how symbolic that long dark road is of my journey and where I'm going.

How great, how good, how perfect is Your love
How deep, how far, how vast is the sum of all You are

Ridiculous...

2008-05-29T10:49:00.000-04:00

http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2008/may/24/30gtteacher-lets-students-vote-out-classmate-5/

'What the crap?' is all I can say.

beautiful

2008-05-21T22:53:00.000-04:00

I've decided my proposal must include washing of the feet...I heard a story today my mom related about some guy's proposal to his wife. They had been dating 6 years and she couldn't understand why he hadn't proposed. Still she was sure this was her soul mate. They also loved to go out on camping trips (nothing funky overnight..just day trips). So one day in the hottest part of summer they decided to go on a camping trip. Just as it was getting dark and they figured it was time to pack up. He gave her a bucket and asked her to go get some water from the river. She didn't really understand why, but she obliged. She came back with the bucket full of water and gave it to him. Then he told her they needed to talk. So he brought her down by the picnic table and asked her to sit down. Again, she obliged. He began to take off her shoes as he started to talk and began to wash her feet. After a moment, he stopped...looked up into her eyes and told her, "I need you to know, I want you to be my wife. But I want us to be servants completely for God...will you marry me?"

Is that not, the most beautiful proposal you've ever heard yet?!

Okay, so realistically it doesn't have to include washing of the feet on a campsite. But I want that symbolism, that meaning, that understanding that it's not just a marriage - it's a covenant. A beautiful covenant reflecting the love of the Trinity.

Family

2008-05-10T18:52:00.000-04:00

I was out with some friends last night when someone said, "I can't stand Catholic church.." I'm not really close with the individual that said it, but instantly I was hurt. It was funny because I really hadn't had that deep of a reaction to that sort of comment until now. I grew up hearing that and I hear it from plenty of "used-to-be" Catholics. For the most part, I could at least understand where they were coming from when I was younger. But now, just like with the Eucharist, a whole new revelation from the scholarly understanding transforming into the heartfelt and emotional understanding is taking place.

Let me explain.

For months, I discussed intently the interworkings of the Catholic church when I first started learning about it. From Mary to infant Baptism to the Eucharist, you name it..it was on the table. And I understood perfectly what the words "the actual Body and Blood of Christ -- not a symbol" meant. I knew that meant there was no fooling around, that Holy Communion was really the Flesh and Blood of our Lord. That was it. I didn't have a problem with it. It made sense. I said, "okay." And that was the end of it. Or so I thought. Months later, I'm up leading worship with my college ministry band when we start to sing a song called, 'Nothing But the Blood.' And no, it's not the old hymn version, but the lyrics are very similar. Suddenly, it hit me. The actual realization that the very same Blood that our Father shed, the very Blood that was dripping from the Cross, was the same Blood Catholics drank every week. This was no symbol indeed. This was our Lord Himself. I swear I forgot where I was I was so dumbfounded by just how miraculous the Eucharist is at that moment. I understood it mentally, but I didn't get it spiritually until that very instant. I couldn't get home fast enough to tell a Catholic.

And now I really now why I flew home that night. I knew why I didn't spill all that out on the people who were around me at that same moment. No, they wouldn't understand. I needed family. No, not a distant cousin, not a brother-in-law, I needed a brother. Someone who knew the family's past, had funny old stories to tell that only a close family member would know. Someone who knew what the family slogan meant. "The Body of Christ." "Amen."

For the last year and a half, I've been doing all this reading (see previous blog). I've come into so much of the scholarly understanding of the Church and Sacraments. And sometimes, I will be honest, I feel so well versed. I can tell you what the Sacraments are, what they mean, what the parts of the mass are, I know the times when doctrine was set into Canon Law. But all of that means absolutely zilch if I don't know the family. If I'm not part of it. And even then, I'm really not all that of a theologian. I know baby stuff, which is more than a lot of people out there who could care less what Scott Hahn has to say. And mostly, I just absolutely hate that I've become a bit 'staunch' in some areas. That's not me. I absolutely do not want to be a typical Catholic and I don't want to be middle of the road or too little or too much. I just want to be filled with the Spirit and at home with my family.

When I heard those words "I can't stand the Catholic church.." that's why my heart sank. It was no longer some distant thing that I was coming into. It's my family. This is my home. This is my heart. Our table is that altar up there. This isn't only some means of worship. This is a family meal. The fact that someone can't stand it, cuts so deep.

In the last few months, I'm realizing more than just the forms and norms in which we gather and practice our faith. The strict lines which I've drawn are starting to fade and in their place peace and joy are starting to abound...

Putting down the books..

2008-05-05T19:18:00.000-04:00

I picked up a book I've been reading by Pope Benedict a little while ago and propped myself up on the couch for a good reading session. But it kind of hit me, I need to get my head out of the books. In talking with some friends and family, it seems I've become a little too into the theological quest. At first, I am quick to dismiss that I'm out of touch, but a second glance gives affirmation that I am truly not where I need to be.

The problem stems, I believe, from starting my conversion journey. I knew when I had those first strong feelings of the need to become a Catholic that it was either all in or all out. There could be no coasting. So I did what I knew how to do to get the ball rolling. I went to Barnes and Noble and picked out a few books I had heard about. St. Augustine's 'Confessions' and Scott Hahn's 'The Lamb's Supper.' I quickly fell in love with Augustine and found myself actively deciding that this was it and was the definitely the right decision. Then, of course, as I began 'The Lamb's Supper' it was completely all over. I was a goner. Madly in love with the Church and Christ's presence in the Eucharist. I started RCIA and continued to attempt to quench my thirst for more knowledge of this beautiful Church. And I desperately needed to. As more and more of those who I had been close with in the evangelical church found out about my decision and fell away, books became my only friend. I buried myself in them and never looked back...till now. I've stuck by saying that I haven't really changed my outlook as a Christian in becoming Catholic, but I guess I have. I miss the old Kade. I used to love being so open and invested in people of all walks. Now I find myself only wanting to discuss what I'm learning and reading at the moment. That's really such a selfish mentality though and very far from anything Christ ever left us. So while, I believe this is where the deposit of faith is (no doubt), I'm going to put down the books (except for Scripture of course) for a little while and try to recover my old ways.

It's not everybody else's fault either. I have purposely excluded myself from certain social crowds I used to absolutely love being around. A couple bad experiences really hurt me and I made blanketed judgments that everyone in those crowds are out to give the same reactions. I am very much wrong in that. I apologize if I've left anyone out or shied away. I really just wanted my journey to be full of joy and not the disappointment of everyone else. Even while my parents are extremely supportive of this on most fronts, to a large degree I feel like a major disappointment. That I've severed important ties to them and that we can no longer be as close as we once were if we weren't able to attend the same church. But now, it's complete. I am a fully confirmed Catholic. There isn't any turning back and changing that. But maybe I can start to mend a few broken roads if I open myself up again.

The real ministry of Christ isn't in a book. It's in people. Christ is present in 4 forms of the Mass: in the Word, the Eucharist, the priest, and in the congregation itself. How I ever could miss that, I do not know. But I am now out to reconnect with my more evangelical roots with its fulfillment being found in Catholicism. I promise to appreciate both sides of the tracks. =0)

Have to jot these down..

2008-04-29T23:53:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I'm grateful to be learning what marriage really is before I'm in it. What a blessing to be led by God into a deeper understanding of it so that I can give it fully one day. These are some beautiful insights by Dr. Hahn that I just have to jot down...awesome theology...take notes future husband...

"Since marriage is a sacrament, family life is a kind of domestic liturgy, with its own responses, antiphons, and times of silence. There are lines we must never tire of repeating, "Thank you," "I'm sorry," "I love you," "I forgive you," "Tell me about your day," "I'd be glad to do that," and "How about a date?"

At Mass we know how to respond when the priest says, "Lift up your hearts" or "Lord, have mercy" or "Let us proclaim the mystery of faith." In a similar way, we need to learn the responses of the domestic liturgy. When one of us says, "I'm sorry," the other replies, "I forgive you." This liturgy, like any sacramental liturgy, is not something mechanical or magical, but rather a habit-forming pattern of love. We don't always feel the emotions when we say the words, at Mass or at home; but if we are sincere, God makes up for what we lack."

"Marriage is a sacrament of the Church, and it is an outward sign of any inward grace received by the couple. A married couple shows the world that God is faithful forever; that He is loving and merciful; that He is lavish in His fruitfulness; and much more, as well."

"Marriage is a ministry, too. It is the clear teaching of the Church that baptized spouses are the ordinary ministers of the sacrament of matrimony. Our ministry, however, is essentially different from the ministry of ordained priests. For most Catholics, married life itself will be the only "sermon" we ever get to "preach," and most of it will be wordless. It will be a lasting statement to an unbelieving world, a world that finds fidelity impossible to believe."

"All this comes as a consequence of the 'real presence' of Jesus Christ in the marital bond. And all of this teaches us, in turn, something more about the real presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. The parousia of Christ in the Eucharist is something that needs to be discovered -- as a marital bond between the divine Bridegroom with His bride, the Church -- the marriage supper of the Lamb. It wouldn't be a marriage if it were just symbolic. Like my marriage to Kimberly, Holy Communion consummates a one-flesh union that is lasting and life-giving."

"God joins things together that seem unjoinable: God and man, heaven and earth, male and female, the law and liturgy. How can these things be combined with any degree of stability?"

"Only through the divine power of the oath! Christ, by means of the sacraments, reunites these things that humankind has repeatedly and willfully divided. He wants all the world to be taken up into His liturgy, for all the earth to enter into nuptial harmony with heaven."

"Why do we swear an oath? Why do we make a covenant?"

"Because that is what people have always done; that is what people need to do."

If you want more of this Spirit-filled stuff...you'll have to buy 'Swear to God." Dr. Hahn will never let you down, he's an AMAZINGLY Spirit-filled man...he better keep writing for me. =0)

Falling into the Trap

2008-04-29T00:09:00.000-04:00

Well this blog has been coming for a while, but I haven't had time to catch my breath, nor have I had the full-fledged desire to sit down and write it until I read some relative scriptures last night!

Growing up in the faith that I did, I often heard an almost overwhelming amount of talk about justification through grace and faith. There was very little mention of how we are purified for our sins except through Christ. It was almost a complete blanketing statement: "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved." Really, just like that? In churches I attended in my youth (alright, my early youth!), the transaction was simple. It was known as the 'altar call.' If you feel like you want to commit your life to Christ tonight, come down to the altar. Some words were said (something to the effect of, 'I give my life to Christ, and intend to drop my ways and follow Him.'), a prayer was prayed, and off you go. That was it. Even while sometimes the feelings at the front of the church would be immense and powerful, after the moment was up, uncertainty began to sink in. Well, what do you do after you fail again? I just broke my promise to follow Him. What do I do with that?

Now as you WELL know by now, I am a happy-as-a-clam Catholic. The process by which we choose to make it official with Christ is a lengthy affair. For most Catholics, who have been Catholic from the time they were small, it starts at a very young age. Of course, first with Baptism, then First Holy Communion, and then finally to Confirmation. My process didn't go quite in that order as I am a silly little convert. But nonetheless, the process was a year (or two if you count the ridiculous up and down discernment period) long and I felt very certain once I celebrated my Confirmation that I had been physically, mentally, and heartily sealed with the Holy Spirit (Chrism is some good stuff!). But then what happens after I fall? I've just been sealed with the Holy Spirit, and I just broke my profession to 'firmly intend to go and sin no more.'

Tell me please, somebody, what do I do with the sin?!

In my old churches, there wasn't nearly enough emphasis placed on sin. It was like there was this instant little 'undo' button at the top of my heart and I could just click 'undo' because no matter what, I was saved. I felt horrible about this, but didn't know any other way.

Now, of course, I have the beautiful gift of Confession. But I sometimes feel, especially when Confession is such a focus (we're in the Easter season, if your pastor hasn't mentioned 'you need to get to Confession' recently in his homily, he's probably not Catholic), I almost feel it's overkill. It's not the act of going to Confession itself that I feel is over-emphasized, don't misunderstand. It's the notion that everything in your relationship stops, until you go to Confession. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard fellow brothers and sisters in discussions of their sins and focusing on their shortcomings so much, they can't focus on the gifts and blessings right before them.

So now I've finally found my happy medium. I've been in both extremes now and I finally have a grasp on it. Our sins DO matter. They slowly drag us away from God and fill us with every evil thought and deed. You're kidding yourself if you think that just because we call on Christ's forgiveness that we won't be tempted and we're immune to sin. It's all around us. Christ's forgiveness IS perfect, but we aren't. This is why it's SO important to definitely get to Confession and keep a serious self-check on ourselves at all times. However, if all we're doing is focusing on how crummy we are, we start to lose sight of how wonderful Christ is and how infinite His love and forgiveness is. I've been tricked a little bit with this into thinking that I need to be wrought with shame before I receive the Eucharist or else I'm not being reverent enough. But if I'm so focused on the fact that I'm so unworthy, I'm ignoring the gift Christ has set before me. It's a gift, not a paycheck. I did not and cannot ever earn it. That is one of the biggest reasons we are not to en-tinct the Body ourselves. It is a gift that is being given to us, it is not something we can take. If I allow my relationship's (with Christ) focus to be on me and my end, then I've missed it all. My eyes should instead be fixed on the glory and grace of God that He allows to shine through me. Or else..why do we bother at all?!

Some interested scripture on the matter:

Romans 4

Justification by Faith Evidenced in Old Testament

1What then shall we say that Abraham, our forefather ^(A)according to the flesh, has found?

2For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about, but ^(B)not before God.

3For what does the Scripture say? "^(C)ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS."

4Now to the one who ^(D)works, his wage is not credited as a favor, but as what is due.

5But to the one who does not work, but ^(E)believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness,

6just as David also speaks of the blessing on the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works:
7"^(F)BLESSED ARE THOSE WHOSE LAWLESS DEEDS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN,
AND WHOSE SINS HAVE BEEN COVERED.
8"^(G)BLESSED IS THE MAN WHOSE SIN THE LORD WILL NOT ^(H)TAKE INTO ACCOUNT."

9Is this blessing then on ^(I)the circumcised, or on the uncircumcised also? For ^(J)we say, "^(K)FAITH WAS CREDITED TO ABRAHAM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS."

10How then was it credited? While he was circumcised, or uncircumcised? Not while circumcised, but while uncircumcised;

11and he ^(L)received the sign of circumcision, ^(M)a seal of the righteousness of the faith which he had while uncircumcised, so that he might be ^(N)the father of ^(O)all who believe without being circumcised, that righteousness might be credited to them,

12and the father of circumcision to those who not only are of the circumcision, but who also follow in the steps of the faith of our father Abraham which he had while uncircumcised.

13For ^(P)the promise to Abraham or to his descendants ^(Q)that he would be heir of the world was not through the Law, but through the righteousness of faith.

14For ^(R)if those who are of the Law are heirs, faith is made void and the promise is nullified;

15for ^(S)the Law brings about wrath, but ^(T)where there is no law, there also is no violation.

16For this reason it is by faith, in order that it may be in accordance with ^(U)grace, so that the promise will be guaranteed to ^(V)all the descendants, not only to those who are of the Law, but also to ^(W)those who are of the faith of Abraham, who is ^(X)the father of us all,

17(as it is written, "^(Y)A FATHER OF MANY NATIONS HAVE I MADE YOU") in the presence of Him whom he believed, even God, ^(Z)who gives life to the dead and ^(AA)calls into being ^(AB)that which does not exist.

18In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become ^(AC)a father of many nations according to that which had been spoken, "^(AD)SO SHALL YOUR DESCENDANTS BE."

19Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now ^(AE)as good as dead since ^(AF)he was about a hundred years old, and ^(AG)the deadness of Sarah's womb;

20yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, ^(AH)giving glory to God,

21and ^(AI)being fully assured that ^(AJ)what God had promised, He was able also to perform.

22Therefore ^(AK)IT WAS ALSO CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS.

23Now ^(AL)not for his sake only was it written that it was credited to him,

24but for our sake also, to whom it will be credited, as those ^(AM)who believe in Him who ^(AN)raised Jesus our Lord from the dead,

25He who was ^(AO)delivered over because of our transgressions, and was ^(AP)raised because of our justification.

Romans 5

Results of Justification

1^(A)Therefore, having been justified by faith, ^(B)we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

2through whom also we have ^(C)obtained our introduction by faith into this grace ^(D)in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.

3^(E)And not only this, but we also ^(F)exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about ^(G)perseverance;

4and ^(H)perseverance, ^(I)proven character; and proven character, hope;

5and hope ^(J)does not disappoint, because the love of God has been ^(K)poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

6For while we were still ^(L)helpless, ^(M)at the right time ^(N)Christ died for the ungodly.

7For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die.

8But God ^(O)demonstrates ^(P)His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, ^(Q)Christ died for us.

9Much more then, having now been justified ^(R)by His blood, we shall be saved ^(S)from the wrath of God through Him.

10For if while we were ^(T)enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved ^(U)by His life.

11^(V)And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received ^(W)the reconciliation.

12Therefore, just as through ^(X)one man sin entered into the world, and ^(Y)death through sin, and ^(Z)so death spread to all men, because all sinned--

13for until the Law sin was in the world, but ^(AA)sin is not imputed when there is no law.

14Nevertheless death reigned from Adam until Moses, even over those who had not sinned ^(AB)in the likeness of the offense of Adam, who is a ^[a]^(AC)type of Him who was to come.

15But the free gift is not like the transgression. For if by the transgression of ^(AD)the one ^(AE)the many died, much more did the grace of God and the gift by ^(AF)the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abound to the many.

16The gift is not like that which came through the one who sinned; for on the one hand ^(AG)the judgment arose from one transgression resulting in condemnation, but on the other hand the free gift arose from many transgressions resulting in justification.

17For if by the transgression of the one, death reigned ^(AH)through the one, much more those who receive the abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will ^(AI)reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.

18So then as through ^(AJ)one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one ^(AK)act of righteousness there resulted ^(AL)justification of life to all men.

19For as through the one man's disobedience ^(AM)the many ^(AN)were made sinners, even so through ^(AO)the obedience of the One ^(AP)the many will be made righteous.

20^(AQ)The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, ^(AR)grace abounded all the more,

21so that, as ^(AS)sin reigned in death, even so ^(AT)grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

It's been a while..

2008-04-09T22:00:00.000-04:00

I remember the days when I first discovered praise and worship..I was about 11 or 12 at youth at Grace Family. It was the most amazing experience. I was so swept away by praising I couldn't get enough of it. But the most wonderful thing about it all was that it was the first place I physically felt the Holy Spirit.

As I've gotten older, it's gotten a lot harder to get back into that reckless abandon to God. Where I can just shut my thoughts and responsibilities off and focus on Him alone. Tonight I am so grateful to say I was able to do that and just worship with my whole heart and I started to feel it come over me. I didn't even ask for it and that feeling came back. God blanketed me in His Spirit and I started to pray 'Holy Spirit Come..' Ahh! What a wonderful release from the junk I've been toting around on my back. If you've never felt it, the best way I can describe it is that the air gets super thick and you feel like your entire body is being held..you feel heat come over you..and bam!..you're in the most amazing form of contentment there is. That's just our God for ya. =0)

Ahhh...off to shower and pray. Just had to mark down this moment..so I can look back and remember I need to get myself here more often..

Covenants are Cool

2008-04-02T18:44:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I look around me and my life seems to me as if everything is just a big, fat mess. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. After all, everyone else's life seems to be in order. Everything they go after seems to come to them so easily: career, marriage, kids, etc. I realize, I don't go after things that are easy to reach. They are completely unappealing to me. And in this aspect of it too, I feel there is largely something wrong with me. "Oh, you're just seeking out the impossible..everyone else gets it first because everyone else is realistic."

There's the problem. I'm not realistic. I don't want a generic high school education, Joe Blow-the average husband, and 2.5 kids. I don't want sex before marriage, a buncha dates every night of the week, a buncha bad mistakes that I just did the best I could with. I don't want that. That's earthy and realistic. Instead I choose to live in a more 'unrealistic' realm. My life is completely saturated with Christ. This, to most, is 'unrealistic.' (Not to say everything in my life is perfect..but I am striving to get there.) Therefore, I want everything I bring into my life to be saturated with Christ. I want a life of heavenly merits.

I'm finishing up Scott Hahn's 'Swear to God,' which is what brought all this thought on. He talks INCESSANTLY about covenants. Even though it's on every page, I can't get enough. He separates the ordinary from the extraordinary.

I wonder about my degree a lot. I'd say it's maybe the #2 stressor in my life. I don't want a generic business degree and a 3.0 GPA. If that is my track, I'm unhappy..it's not good enough. I want something extraordinary. Instead, I'm opting for Graphic design so that my creative talents will have an outlet. Even then, I'm not okay with just getting my A.A. in this field and then transferring to a university for my B.A. No, before I go on, I want the full enchilada. I'm not going to be happy until I get another A.S. (which really won't take but another semester or two) in Web design/mastering. And even then, when my GPA falls below 3.8 I'm pissed! Everyone else wonders why! But it's not okay for me. I hold myself to extremely high standards and a hoard of problems and trials come along with these standards.

This is essentially the basis of the workings of covenants. God and His people enter into a covenant. There are blessings and there are curses. God's people obey the terms of the covenant and God blesses them. God's people defy the terms of the covenant and curses and plagues ensue. In effect, the love and commitment of God's people are tested. If they weren't, what would their love and word mean!? And surely, God's love and blessings are worth every effort to stay within those terms. I whole heartedly believe this. Not just about this area, but about my school, about my relationships, about my life.

The things that have caused me great grief, because of the tests I've endured for them/am enduring for them are worth it. If not for the commitment to the common working towards the blessings, I would have given up by now. I don't really want to work for a living all that much in the first place. Why do I want to slave away and encounter ordeal after ordeal registering for classes and dealing with all the problems that arise!? It's because I want the blessing. And I believe at the maturity of it, that blessing will mean something more than the average degree. I chose the hard one, I chose the one that required testing and quenching, proof of my commitment and love for the goal. Because in the end, that will mean more.

The same is true for marriage. And obviously, this one is the closest to my heart. I don't want Joe-blow. Heck, I don't even want just a Christian guy..or dare I say, a Catholic guy. I love you as brothers still, but I need that challenge. The man I marry has to endure all the ordeals with me before hand (the testing of purity, the trials of everyday life, etc.) First off, I believe it's some darned good practice for actual married life. But even more so, because it'll truly be a covenant. If we stick it out through the testing and quenching, it'll be blessed. If we throw in the towel and get lazy, it will crumble as easy as a cheap, plastic toy. It's as simple as that. Although time and time again, we fail. We renew our covenant (Eucharist) with God time and time again through the sacraments. That's why we have commitment. It's the same with marriage. Even cooler, (yes I know, how could it possibly get any cooler than God giving us a relationship with each other He could actually relate HIS relationship with His church to us also? But it does..) that love of the Trinity, which is the highest Family there is, is mirrored in that marital relationship when the two become one (like the God-head, 3-in-1). Then their two bodies become one flesh through intercourse and give birth to the third (awesome use of the liturgical number 3, right!?!), which is a gift in itself from God to us, to enable us to share in the act of creation together. AHH! Do I want to share that with just any average Joe?! NO! I want the hard way. I want the one that is God-tested and God-approved. Sounds like an endorsement or something?! Hey, maybe we should put that on the back of our Catholic bibles.."100% God-tested and God-approved." Sorry..random moment..I'm getting going on this cause I'm excited. Seriously though, I wonder how many other Christians out there get just how profound and serious and awe-inspiring and scary-trembling this should make us?!?! No wonder the last year, marriage has freaked me straight out the window. I'm blessed enough to be a Catholic, where we pay close attention to this covenant thing. We're engaging in divine relations here..that's some serious stuff.

Okay..climbing down off my rocker for a few..I'm just wowed by how cool this stuff is. God is the Man. No..really..He is...

Furthermore, my running after things that are a bit more ambitious should be applauded..not scolded..

Blech

2008-04-02T15:52:00.000-04:00

Looking at my postings..I realize..I lack the ability to put things into the terms I want these days. It seems my brain is just too full of everything else I have to remember to get done to function normally..blech..how I long for the days of my youth..

Missing Ingredient?

2008-03-30T00:45:00.000-04:00

So I am extremely happy to be able to say that I've kicked my absolute worst habit (and sin)..at least as of yet and I don't plan on stopping. It's amazing to me too because I've tried a dozen different things and nothing has seemed to keep me completely free from it, but I think I've found the missing ingredient.

I've noticed when Deacon John leads us in prayer at Neophytes he ALWAYS starts them out by saying, "Holy Spirit come..." 'Wow, we have to ask!?' I thought, but really it made perfect sense. The Holy Spirit needs to be invited in. We should never STOP asking Him to come in. So often times I kind of forget about Him. He gets lost in the shuffle, but he is just as much a part of the Trinity as the rest of the God-head. And then it hit me, sheesh! When I crack open the Word every night before I go to bed (good nightly ritual..it cleanses my spirit, fills my spiritual spring, and helps me to sleep), the very first thing I need to be doing is asking for the Holy Spirit to come and guide me. But I guess I just brushed Him under the rug and didn't think it'd make that much of a difference, but wow! So I've been asking the Spirit to come every night, to guide my reading, help me to understand His word, and especially for His comfort.

Since I've kept this practice up (in combination with very frequent Confession...which it seems I just can't harp on it enough just how wonderful it is), the sin seems to be an anthill. It went from being impossible, unattainable to grapple and all of a sudden it's a speck of dust on the floor that I simply sweep up and dispose of. What's even more, I FEEL the Holy Spirit when I ask Him to come, because on the nights where I'm sleepy and groggy and I forget to pray for Him at first...I notice something doesn't feel right. I need my reading buddy. ;0)

We have so many things at our disposal to help us conquer sin. Really and truly, if we only ask as Christ instructed us, He will pour Himself out to us.

“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.“For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened." - Luke 11:9-10

What grace there is for those who simply ask.

Palm Sunday..err Saturday Night

2008-03-15T22:10:00.001-04:00

First of all, I'm sorry..I can't help it..I just like Saturday night mass better. So Palm 'Sunday' is actually Palm "Saturday AND Sunday' for me. =0)

This Sunday marks the 2 year anniversary of the first time I attended St. Tim's. That might not mean much to the average joe, but I'm sentimental like that sometimes. I may be a fireball, but I'm still a softie at heart. =0) Tonight at mass I tried to think back a little bit to what it felt like that Sunday back in 06'. I know I was nervous. I was terrified I would be picked out and deemed 'the Protestant.' I didn't know the moves. There was some crossing going on, some swirling with the hands around the head and mouth (Which I NOW know is 'The Word of the Lord in my thoughts, on my lips, and in my heart'), and a few kneelers here and there. And then came the reading of the Passion. I remember at the time I wasn't 100% sure just what exactly the Catholics believed. I had come to the conclusion that they were indeed Christian, but wasn't sure if they were on board all the way (chuckling heartily at that now) with the whole deal. So sitting there listening to the Passion of our Lord being read and proclaimed aloud I felt a little relieved and worried all at the same time. Relieved that they believed heartily in the Crucifixion, but worried because I wasn't sure if they believed in something else that would make less of it (insert Mary here =0P). I remember reading the words aloud "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" and feeling that we shouldn't be saying this. I felt like we were doing something unChristian. And we were, because we are unChristian. I remember thinking, "we didn't crucify Him, they did!" But then, just who is "they?" The people! Wait, we're people. I quickly left mass relieved it was over, I had enjoyed parts, but I felt so uncomfortable. I was in uncharted territory and if you know anything about Kade, Kade does NOT like being unsure. She likes to be passionate about everything, convicted..come hell or highwater about things! So happily out the door I went! The thought never crossed my mind that I would ever be back to the Catholic church. I expected what brought me there in the first place to fall completely apart..because I wasn't SURE that I could commit myself to this place, therefore, things couldn't progress. And I was right, they didn't progress because something much more important needed to be addressed first. The feelings that something was off there were there deep within me, but I never anticipated that the feeling like something was actually right within that 'wrong' could surface months later. The following months I was surprised to itch more and more for this 'place.' And I was rather upset about it too! Because the more I found out, the more I felt the tug on my heart to go back...again and again. I didn't want to be there, but I couldn't stop the yearning to be there. I didn't want to admit that I'd been chasing something half-full my whole life. It's no shock, but my faith life started to wither. God kept knocking, and I kept on pretending like I wasn't home.

Isn't God funny? Now 2 years later, I sit in those same very pews thanking God for pushing me back into this 'place.' For pushing me out of my comfort zone and into His home. Mass at St. Tim's is the highlight of my week...it's the only place where I feel truly at peace. It has, however, come with a price. The things I was afraid I'd have to give up in order to abandon myself to God, I've had to surrender. But those sufferings have allowed me to share in Christ's suffering, a concept which I am still learning everyday to take with a smile on my face. Those sufferings allow me to become, although very slowly, less like the people shouting, "Give us Barabbas!" and more like the disciples weeping alongside. The Passion tonight stopped me cold in my tracks. This time as I said, "Crucify Him!" I knew it was just that I said such. It wasn't just the sins of the people of that time that were nailed to the Cross, they were my own. Instantly, I felt my heart, and the hearts of my Brothers and Sisters around me sink...to a level of true repentance. Our Lord is about to be crucified...and He's doing it for us...

Different Code of Life

2008-03-14T19:24:00.000-04:00

You know what's really upsetting to me? How so many things have been taken and twisted. I'm sick of the bullcrap..yes...even my own..so I'm taking a few things back that society has changed or attempted to change...

It's not really going to put you out all that much to help someone else. I hate that we've allowed this theory in that coming to someone else's aid..that it has to be detrimental. It feels GOOD to help...so that first gut feeling of "I don't want to do that" can go take a hike!
Drugs suck. We're taking drugs for everything..for our aches, for our pains, for our moods even. Ridiculous! What ever happened to those good ol' uplifting praise and worship sessions and suffering with joy? You can even clap if you want...come on...clapping guys! That's fun..right?
Dressing. I started out when I was little dressing because I had to..just a means to cover up. Then I became a teenager and started dressing 'pretty' to attract admiration from the boys. Now I feel like it's not ever kosher to just wear a t-shirt. Everybody is done up 24/7. What's even more is that sex appeal is thrown in. I don't want to be sexy for you and reveal what's under my clothes. I'm taking it back dangit! I'd rather attract someone through modesty who is THEN worthy of seeing what's under the clothes. HELLOOO!
Going out. I'm not a loser because I like to stay home on the weekends. I'd rather enrich my life with the likes of JP2 and Pope Benne, than trash some brain cells. Why does 'bettering myself' make me uncool?! I'm curious and waiting on your explanation..
I'm not a blonde. I don't care to be either. I happen to be quite glad that I don't look like Barbie.
And since when did it become cool to call each other names like something that rhymes with 'witch' and 'mut'? No thank you, ladies. (Yes, that's the word you're actually looking for...'ladies.')
Belittling people isn't cool. It's just not.
Money is a pathetic shield to hide behind. No matter how much you have, you still have to answer to Him at the end of it all. Use your time wisely.
You're going to fight me on this one, but I don't care. Dating around a lot and kissing a bunch of people is just as bad as sleeping around with a bunch. Don't you realize you've just become a human sampler? I don't particularly enjoy eating food that's been pre-eaten for me by others, do you?
Sometimes people screw up, help them through the rough spots and quit holding it over their head. You've been known to slip up a little here and there too, haven't you?
Stop with the dirty looks. It's just not nice.
If you don't like where you're at in life right now, do something to change it.
Women shouldn't be in an all-out war against each other. You might be pleasantly surprised with some more friends if you weren't always trying to outdo them.
What's with the jealousy? Who cares what Jones has? Be happy for him and get your own life. Be original. Find your own hobbies.
So 'so and so' is skinnier than you, get over it..it's not their fault.

That's all for now...I'm sure I'll add as I think of more later...

Reality

2008-03-09T23:59:00.001-04:00

So I've been struggling lately with doubt. I'm not proud to admit it, but I've been having thoughts that beg questions about the realities of God's works. **Now that I think about it, doubt is a bad word..it's more that I've been thinking about the ins and outs of it all...not at all that it doesn't happen or isn't real..

Everyday, every week, and every mass we're living between two worlds: the spiritual and the physical; Heaven and earth. And everyday, every week, and every mass they meet together. I've been reading a thousand books of all sorts on the sacraments, particularly Reconciliation and the Eucharist. And all of them discuss this concept of the spiritual meeting the physical and coming together as one reality. WOW. That's a nugget to digest. It seems simple in theory. We hear and read all the time that the priest is the agent through which Christ's healing power flows for absolution, that bread and wine BECOME the flesh and blood of Christ. But we can't SEE it happen. We know it's there, but often times it's overlooked how big a deal it really is because it isn't tangible. I was so intent and focused on this while hearing today's Gospel about the story of Lazarus. I've probably read it a dozen times, and yet hearing it out loud had me hanging onto every syllable. This man GOT UP AND WALKED OUT OF HIS GRAVE! How profound is that? He wasn't simply in a coma and he awoke, he wasn't in bed with a fever and then suddenly cured, he hadn't just passed and then opened his eyes back up as if he had just missed a few breaths. He had been dead for four days! What a profound meeting of the physical and the spiritual when that stone was rolled away and out came Lazarus wrapped in burial cloths!

I've been guilty of reducing God's presence to the four walls of my church. It's so easy to be in a state of mind that is both conscious and focused on our Lord when we're in these beautiful buildings. It's easy to "feel" Him. But sometimes when I'm in class or in public or even in my own backyard, I realize..I'm living in this moment like He's not there..like He's not seeing what I'm doing..like He's not listening to every word that's being uttered out of my mouth. Perhaps, that's why I've become so accustomed to sins like gossip and lust. In those moments, I'm tuned out. What a dangerous way to be living. I'm falling asleep while I'm thinking I'm awake.

Today I heard Monsignor Casey on EWTN preaching (p.s. that guy is amazing). He was saying how so many priests don't correctly relate how serious the reality of our salvation is (or isn't). How we live with sin and don't confess, yet we take the Eucharist anyway. He gave a laundry list of the excuses we make to reduce our sin's detriment. "God knows my sin, He knows everything...why do I have to go to Confession?" "Why do I have to confess to a priest? Why can't I just confess to God Himself?!" And his answer was spot on. There is no penance in confessing to God. There is no real confession only through prayer. We must confess with our mouths in the actual sacrament because that is where the physical can meet with the supernatural. Once we confess with our mouth to the priest (physical), we are then given absolution and the grace of God is poured out upon us (spiritual). This is the very same power that raised Lazarus from his tomb. The very same voice that said to him: "Lazarus, rise...come out," says to me, "I give you absolution of your sins...go in peace."

How much more vigorously conscious of God and enthusiastically I should be living knowing God brings His reality into ours...

Sevening

2008-03-09T17:42:00.001-04:00

10-10.

Conscience

2008-02-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

Tonight's topic at my Neophytes session was conscience. How do we know right from wrong and how do we make decisions based off these concepts? As usual, we watch a cheesy video made back sometime in the 80's and then we rip it apart. =0P Just kidding! But what I hate sometimes is that they interview people off the street and you end up with these mish mashed answers that are so vague they could mean anything. I had two major beefs:

1) "Pretty much, right is when it feels good when you're doing something, and wrong is when you have a feeling not to do it." - Girl off the street's answer.

Oh good grief. Deacon John chose that as his first bone to pick too, which I quickly added my two cents to. The problem with that answer is that sin feels good. Oh gosh, some sin feels amazing. I can be a big fan of gossip, not the girly chatty kind, but oh man, if there are juicy details...I want to be in the know. Gossip can feel great!! But it's FAR from being good. Secondly, sometimes the right thing can feel wrong. We can latch onto a single occurrence, sometimes even multiple occurrences, and interpret them as being bad and even, sometimes, we are so concrete as to say they are not from God. But we cannot know always! We can't live our lives and make our decisions off of our own compasses. The problem is that while we have this wonderful guidebook, we are human. We screw up. We screw up a lot and we think way too much about our own opinions! The only thing we can do is keep ourselves informed and in the Word and in prayer with the Holy Spirit and move slowly and carefully to decisions. We can't always know if God is sending something or not. Sometimes we see it as a bad thing when it's perfectly good. God can have this huge promotion at work for us, but we're scared to have that much responsibility and we let the cowardice take us over! Flat out, our senses of right and wrong are not always correct. We have to constantly be shaping and reshaping our values and minds and hearts by study and prayer.

2) "You know a decision is well made when you have a peace about it..." - Now this was a priest.

I am not usually one to shred something a Father says, I respect them and their opinions immensely. But sometimes, it must be done! As was the case in my last argument of what was said, the problem is that we are human! We err!!!! And there is no way around it. Of course, there is no completely perfect safeguard against making crappy decisions. We're going to make them. And sometimes, we're going to feel confident about them..at peace with them..but they are STILL dead wrong. We have a nasty little habit of getting on these rants. At times we can be so passionate about something we know very little about, or we think we know more than we actually do. Especially in medical cases, we are rarely qualified to make a good sound decision. Every day people make decisions to put their children up for adoption, some have a perfect peace about this. But only to realize 3 or 5 years down the road, they made a terrible error. They see now they walked out on a relationship with their child. They know now, they were wrong.

I have such a heart for those really trying to live their lives the best they can. I try to follow suit, although I admit..I make crappy choices too! It can be so hard to know. But I firmly believe, if we are in TRUE communion with the Holy Spirit and with careful prayer, an open heart, and a lot of patience, we can much better discern where the Spirit is directing us.

I fell in love because...

2008-02-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

I am finding in so many of my conversations these days the topic comes up, "So what made you decide to become Catholic?!" And I always have the urge to hand them this list of all the things that made me fall madly in love with the Catholic Church. Yet, I haven't made a concrete list. So it's going to be messy...and it might not even make much sense to some, but this is what captured me:
Warning: It will probably be LONG!!!

Apostolic Traditions (2,000 years old and counting..)- With a capital "T" mind you! The traditions and practices of the apostles have been carefully preserved as closely as possible throughout the generations of the Church. I love knowing that when I am celebrating in the Mass with my Brothers and Sisters all throughout the world, these are the same practices of those early Christians 2,000 years ago. My heart seems to have known them all along, and in learning and going deeper in the Mass, a little something awakens inside of me in recognition.
Sacraments- The 7 most beautiful gifts God has given us to celebrate and take part in. Real, Holy gifts, that we are blessed and whole-heartedly welcomed to share in, not by our own merits of course, but by Christ's. These are not just physical blessings, nor are they merely spiritual blessings, they are both! These are instituted by Christ, Himself, therefore, they are full!!! Each are marked by the physical transformation as well as spiritual.
The Universal Church- the Catholic Church is the same no matter which you walk into anywhere in the world. I love knowing that when I go to celebrate Mass in Rome, I may not know the native language, but I know what I am celebrating. When I hear the readings at mass here in my home parish on Sundays, they are the same ones being read aloud all over the world. We are truly united in every element of our worship of the Lord!! How cool is that?!?!
Incense- I love walking into a church I've never been in before and even though I know it's Catholic before I walk in because of the sign hanging out on the front lawn, I walk in..and smell it and KNOW. The sweet aromas of incense fill me and let me know I am at home in God's House.
Peace be with you- I fall 7 times 77 times a day, and even though that's a lot...I still feel the urge to try and make it right. Peace be with you allows us to settle the quarrels and remember that we are family... NO MATTER WHAT.
Fathers- Spiritual directors who know your name, your face, your smile, your faults, your joys, your pains, and your directions. And they care as if you were their very own flesh and blood. You are their child and there isn't much they wouldn't stop at to help you and your walk. What beautiful, precious souls! And my, what dedication!!!
Scott Hahn- enough said. Google him if you don't know him.
Mass- the most peaceful, happy, joyous, loving, reflective time of my week. If I could put a sleeping bag out in the lobby and camp out forever, I would. I'm hoping this is somewhat what heaven will be like.
Alcohol- I can break the ice with any Catholic I know in making a joke out of the fact that, yes, we like our wine, and if you're German and Catholic..we like our beer! =0P
Spirit-Filledness- I have never met so many on fire for God people in my life...who really meant it! They are full of the joys from God's sacraments and they are not shy about letting their joy spill out onto others!
Theology- ahhh. There is no bottom on the bucket...I can study and search and grow my whole life and still...there will be so much I was never able to grasp. But it's there for the grasping!
Augustine- My sweet St. Auggy, I was just born 800 years late. What I'd give to sit and have lunch with the man who did it all, tried it all, and found by trial and error (and a lot of prayer on his mother's behalf) that there is no better, nor sweeter life than that lived with Christ. When I feel like giving up, I draw on his conversion and I know there is always still hope.
Saints!- =0P We have people from ages past who we are able to draw on for comfort and strength! (Like Auggy!)
Mary- I thought I was blessed to have a mother like I do here on earth, but Mary is the ultimate 'Mommy.' She does for us, everything she ever did for Christ. She picks us up off the ground and kisses our wound when we scrap our knees, she holds us when we are scared, she pleads with our Dad when we have special requests. She provides us with a beautiful model as the first Christian to always say "yes" to Christ and His plan for us.
Popple- what a rocking bunch of Christian Brothers.
The Pope- The man taking charge, making sure our faith isn't swayed by new ideas.
The Creed- what a profound feeling declaring boldly what we believe every week with a booming number of voices along side of me declaring it just as loudly as I am! Now THAT gets me excited and riled up to live my life for Christ!
St. Vincent de Paul- what a plain honest and tremendous effort to serve others in Christ's name. I hope someday I'll be blessed enough to serve along side!
Stations of the Cross- the simplest way to remind myself that I'm unworthy. The tears that I cry throughout remembering what Christ suffered for us are the only two-fold tears I know: joy and sadness. Joyous, for the love that He showers upon us all, Sadness for the evil that I have committed that nailed Him to the Cross.
Mysteries- we can't know it all, that's why we call them "mysteries!" =0P The instances where God's beauty completely blinds us from any reasoning or thought. We can't contain or understand matters too great for us. Christ coming into the muck and mire of this world as a sweet, precious newborn, only to be our Living Sacrifice -- that's a mystery.
Holy Water and Oil and the Sign of the Cross- I don't fear evil or the devil anymore, I have the sign of Christ emblazoned on my forehead, my ears, my lips, my chest, my shoulders, my arms, my legs, my feet. While the water and oil wash off, Satan must see a glaringly bright cross that lets him know..."this one's His." Sends chills up my spine to read Revelations now.
Confession- the cure to my constant fallings. I don't waste my time in anger and frustration at myself over the fact that I'm unworthy and impure. Christ knows that and He doesn't want a pity party in the mud with me telling myself 'I can't do anything right.' That's what He gave us Confession. What a new person I am and how wonderful and light I feel after being absolved and given a new perspective. The thing about it though, YOU HAVE TO GO.
Can we say, Eucharist!?- The closest I can get to my Christian siblings around the world and Christ all at once. The most empowering physical gift Christ has given us. Our beautiful New Paschal Lamb!
Kneelers- I have recently chucked the fact that my church doesn't have any and kneel anyway. We do in our Adoration Chapel, but not in the Sanctuary. I've always bowed, but now I kneel and I'm happy to blister and bruise my knees and I thank God especially for the times I am already bruised when I go to show Him honor.
Suffering- ...what I was just describing. I am HAPPY and JOYOUS to suffer, it only draws me closer to Christ and allows me to glimpse even more of His beauty. I can't earn it, but I can show my sincerity.
Neophytes and RCIA and Sponsors- I never fear of there not being a familiar hand to hold in the event that I am weak and I lose my way. These Catholics are extremely dedicated to making sure you know you aren't ever expected to brave it out on your own. Plus, now I have two families. =0)
Middle-aged Married Catholic couples- I've noticed something. I'm catching onto a trend. There are these couples who have been married at least 20 years, you can always pick them out in mass. They have weathered every storm imaginable, from falling in and out of love with each other to one not believing quite like the other one does, to losing their physical abilities, and yet while life hasn't been all that they dreamed of or quite how they planned it out, they look at each other with this adoring look. They serve regularly together in ministries like RCIA or Parish Council and even when everyone else around the place is in a heated discussion, they're calm and collected. They are completely content with life. It's such a joy to be around these couples, I often want to go up and spill all this out on them. They are what I aspire to be and what I can only hope my husband and I can be someday. A living testament that Love conquers all.
The Body of Christ- the Church family isn't only comprised of those in my time, its everyone. I love feeling that extra special jolt when I think about all the Christians that have gone before me are joining in prayer with me.
Liturgy- the specific way of worship!
Symbolism- Before I was Catholic, I never walked into a Church and went, "hah! four speakers, they must be symbolic of the Gospels." What I love about the buildings themselves, is that they are crafted to be radiant of their purpose. There is one altar, four candles, 7 seating areas, and one big round circle...none of those are accidents. Even the main entrance has 3 different doors, the main sections have 3 separate areas, and there are two buildings. Ahh, One God, One Table, Four Gospels, 7-Fold Spirit, One Faith, Christ's Divinity and Christ's Humanity are all symbolized in the very structure of my parish. Ah, melt me.

I'm going to have to keep adding to this list. It may be a tad crazy to everyone else, but I don't care. I'm in love and I have to let it out somewhere!! =0)

Love these .....

2008-02-16T21:01:00.000-05:00

Love these lyrics..been going back and learning some Martina McBride songs I didn't know before..like this one a lot..

City of Love

This is no
Yellow brick road
We've been travelin' on

A river of tears
Washed us here
We're right where we belong

We rode it out
No, we didn't drown
And look at what we've found

Every street we take
Is paved with truth
If a mountain's in our way
That's a mountain we move
Baby, there ain't nothin' we can't do
Since me and you
Built this city of love

Through shiftin' sands
With our own hands
We dug to solid ground

Where we found out
What love's about
Yeah, there's no stoppin' us now

Yeah on our own stone by stone
We built a fortress strong

Every street we take is paved with truth
If a mountain's in our way
That's a mountain we move
Baby there ain't nothin' we can't do
Since me and you
Built this city of
Built this city of love
Yeah

Yeah
Every street we take is paved with truth
If a mountain's in our way
That's a mountain we move
Baby there ain't nothin' we can't do
Since me and you
Built this city of love
City of love

Let the River flow...

2008-02-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

Father Bill reminded us in mass tonight, that we need to reconnect with our true identity. That we are 'future citizens of heaven' and are not of this earth nor should we desire the things of the earth. Far too many times we trade in who we really are to get ahead in this life. So let us all shed the things of this life and remember who we really are and whose we really are.

Let the poor man say I am rich in Him
Let the lost man say I am found in Him
Whoa, let the river flow
Let the blind man say I can see again
Let the dead man say I am born again
Whoa, let the river flow
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let the river flow.

Let the river flow
Let the river flow
Holy spirit come
Move in power
Let the river flow.

Let the poor man say I am rich in Him
Let the lost man say I am found in Him
Whoa, let the river flow
Let the blind man say I can see again
Let the dead man say I am born again
Whoa, let the river flow
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let the river flow.

Let the river flow
Let the river flow
Holy spirit come
Move in power
Let the river flow.

New Favorite Shirt

2008-01-31T17:01:00.000-05:00

How come it is my favorite shirts always end up being the ones I got a super deal on that everybody else thought were too weird to wear? I guess I'm just adventurous. Nobody liked this one when I bought it, but hah! It's my new favorite...8 bucks well spent I think!

Corn, Potato, and Cheddar Soup

2008-01-27T19:12:00.000-05:00

Corn, Potato, and Cheddar Soup

Oh goodness, this came out so good, I had to take a picture.

To be or not to be..or maybe not to worry about any of it

2008-01-25T20:49:00.000-05:00

So this is a blog that is neither here nor there, but just a spillage of thoughts. It has no agenda, but to be a place to collect my unpredictable thoughts and feelings about a particular subject.

About a year ago, I started reading St. Augustine. I felt immediately drawn to him. His plainly selfish, offensive, and obscene ways of living are so reminiscent of my own. I long for the flesh. I'd like to say that I don't, but I do...desperately sometimes. I long to be in the world, but I long to be with Christ and the Church. Some days I am fully on fire for one and some days fully on fire for the other. And some days I struggle internally. But St. Augustine's writings gave me a sense that I am not alone in this. And so my ears perked up.

I kept reading. Constantly, I felt my heart was in tune with his. His fears, his angers, his cries, his joys, were my own. I could not believe the words flowing onto the pages because they were me. And the more I read, the more I felt that if St. Augustine could put off the world and fall into the grace of God with reckless abandon, so could I. And then I felt the slightest inkling one night, if I had to, absolutely HAD to, I could give up marriage for Christ. I could sacrifice my own marital happiness, the joys of my wedding day, the exciting days of being pregnant, the happy thoughts of growing old with someone, in order to please Him. And it shocked me, because I've always had the Southern Baptist dream/mentality that I would one day grow up from being a princess and become a queen unto my king. And since then, I've had more of these feelings, that I could give it up. But I don't want to. Yet sometimes I still feel like maybe it could be that way. Perhaps, I am doing what every new single Catholic does, since more doors and vocations are open to me now. I am falling in love with all aspects of my faith and opening my heart to every possible outcome. And taking every event/word that occurs around me to be and indication or sign of my destiny. The problem is that I do not want to be superstitious. I don't believe God throws signs out at the drop of a hat. So I want to be careful as to not misinterpret things around me. But I still have these feelings.

I honestly doubt that I could be a sister. I truly think I lack the passion and drive. But I still see it's perks. I am such an outgoing person the thought of being tucked away from most of the world in a convent or monastery makes me shutter. Still, it's rather attractive to me.

What I like about the religious life:

Pious attitude/Pious environment
Less stresses of worldly natures
No make up in the morning/No having to do my hair (silly, but it's still a pro)

But what I don't like about the religious life:

More of a structured approach to pleasing God (I am a bit more free-spirited I think)
Being tucked away from most of the world
Giving up a family

Along with these new found feelings since becoming Catholic of possibly becoming a sister, I've had those of being a married woman active in ministry with my life partner. It's almost unfair, because I would be a shoo-in for some of these over becoming a nun, but still they are deeply embedded in my heart, whereas the calls of being a sister I am not so sure or strong willed about.

As a married Catholic I dream of:

Leading RCIA with my husband
Having the coolest deeply traditional and symbolic filled Catholic wedding ever
Baptizing each and every one of our princes and princesses and welcoming into God's kingdom
Traveling the world to attend mass on every continent with my #1 fan, Mr. Kade
Becoming involved with marriage retreats/counseling etc.
Strengthening/Being strengthened with my mate
Having the cushion of a truly Catholic husband when my faith is weak and I go through my funks
Taking part in becoming one with another, experiencing the reflection of the love of the Trinity within itself within my marital union and with our children

Why do I bring this up now? I bring this up because I have realized with a couple recent encounters with men I have cared about, that I am not gung-ho about marriage right now. It could easily be, that I just want time to myself to fully explore my faith on my own (VERY likely). It could easily be, that I am yearning to be focused more on getting life set up first before I'm ready for it. It could be that God wants me to have some more growth time. OR it could be, that these reluctant tendencies mean a bit more. That I am indeed called to the religious life and I need to do some serious examining and discerning of God's will for my vocation. Or it COULD be that in watching my Catholic encourager (hmm, I wonder who could have made me want to become Catholic!), that seeing him go through the process of discernment is a natural part of being a real Catholic and I feel it is my duty to seriously see if I can try to change my mindset that my life is only marriage friendly. I have no idea. But the feelings have popped up and down long enough now that I feel I should give it some seriously consideration. I'm not going to go discern the nunhood, but rather pay close attention to what is going on with it in my surroundings.

Goodness this is weird stuff. I would so much rather brush this under the rug!