I want a man who thinks this about me...

My, how I love Diamond Rio..

He hung the moon
Raised the sun
Made the lions walk
And the rivers run
Then He sat down, looked around
And thought a bit
Said, it’s all good but that ain’t quite it
So with his mighty hand He created man
And then.

Chorus:
He had a better idea
A much better idea
He made an angel like sweet perfume
A heavenly smile, someone who
Can light up a room, with a heart so true
I thank God he created me
But when I look at you, I see
He had a better idea.

Thought I’d have to face
This world alone
Just walk through life
Without a hand to hold
And I accepted that
I said in fact it might be nice
To live my way
Now that’s paradise
Be He knew all along
I was wrong.

Chorus:
He had a better idea
A much better idea
He made an angel like sweet perfume
A heavenly smile, someone who
Can light up a room, with a heart so true
I thank God he created me
But when I look at you, I see
He had a better idea.

--- Instrumental ---

Chorus:
He had a better idea
A much better idea
He made an angel like sweet perfume
A heavenly smile, someone who
Can light up a room, with a heart so true
I thank God he created me
But when I look at you, I see
He had a better idea.

He had a better idea
God had a better idea...

No seam in this garment...

Tonight I had the privilege of watching some EWTN with both of my parents, which I'll have you know...anytime they show an interest, I eat it up! We were watching a program about a couple who had converted to Catholicism from being Evangelicals. The things that were coming out of their mouths sounded so familiar it was scary.

They started out relating about the husband's first wife, whom he had lost to cancer. At the time, both he and his first wife were very dedicated evangelicals. When they found out she had cancer, they were determined to fight it. As loving and supportive as their church and evangelical friends were, they were constantly suggesting to the couple that they can't show any signs of doubt of God's healing her in order for her to be healed. Sadly, the cancer kept getting worse, which only contributed to their doubts that she would, in fact, not be "healed." So they decided to stop getting screenings, because those only meant bad news which only caused more battles with their "lack of faith." So they kept trying and working at this principle, if they can believe it enough that she can be healed, she'll be healed and if they fail, they will lose her life on account of their doubt. Sadly, the woman passed away. They had two small children, both boys, who had no idea their mother was even sick. They feared telling the children for that would just be contributing to the "doubt." So here, this poor grieving man and his two small children are wifeless and motherless in what seemed to be, the blink of an eye. And it all seemed so in vein. Why did she have to suffer so much? How could it be that because they didn't believe enough for healing that she had to go through all of that? Nothing made sense. There were no answers for him.

Later on down the road, the man met a woman (his current wife) through the same church. They dated, fell in love, and married. While she did the best she could to become an instant mother and wife to this family, she wasn't feeling it like she should have been. There was so much weighing on all of them. So one day, she made a trip down to the Christian bookstore, and instead of passing the Catholic section completely up, she stopped to look at what it had to offer. She was never anti-Catholic, but she never paid much attention to any of it. So she asked the clerk for some help in choosing a book of a saint that would be digestible for a beginning reader. She found she liked what it had to offer, so she went back for another..and before she knew it, she was leaning towards becoming a Catholic. The key point that touched her was the element of sharing in Christ's suffering. All her life she had been fighting the sufferings she encountered and was so bogged down by them, and here come these saints who reveal that we shouldn't be pushing the suffering away, but rather embracing it. Embracing it as an opportunity to share in Christ's sufferings. And through that, we can offer our trials up to Him as offerings. Life started to change. Her marriage, her relationship with her step-children --everything, got a little easier. Everything made more sense. She took on her trials and hardships with a thankful and joyful heart to be able to bear her cross.

The husband was an anti-Catholic, very much against what his new wife was looking into. But after some time, he began to take a look at what she was reading...Scott Hahn and other converts. Before long, he found this "principle of suffering" and it hit him. Things made sense. The woman he had loved so much and lost so hard, did not die in vein. She shared in Christ's suffering. It was nothing to be blamed on a lack of faith, but rather something to be embraced. If that was what God had for them, that was what they should have embraced, no matter what the cost.

So she eventually decided this was it. This was what she had been looking for. And with a little reluctance from her evangelical husband, they both finally decided to take the plunge together. (If you'd like more of their story, visit: www.crossedthetiber.com).

I sat there listening in amazement to all the little things, in combination with this principle of embracing sufferings, that changed this couple's heart to Catholicism. I had to wipe tears from my eyes because it all sounded so familiar. The suffering, the power of the saints, the holy Eucharist that is able to change us by residing within us and drawing us as close to Christ on earth as we can possibly get, the power and grace that came out of Reconciliation -- all of it...was and still is the same for me. The answers lie in the Church. Jesus patiently waits on the altar, calling all to receive Him, hoping that we'll answer that call.

And I really thought, that "Lamb of God" that they are talking about, that changed their lives...is still sitting in my belly as I listen to this. My beautiful Lord, my Maker, my precious Saviour, cared enough to make sure that after He resurrected, He would always be with me and my brothers and sisters. Not only within our spirits, but within our bodies. That Bread of Life will soon nourish my body, maybe particles will feed my skin, maybe bits will strengthen my muscles, maybe tiny atoms will sustain the blood that circulates my body multiple times a day -- it will sustain my physical health. But best of all, that blessed Jesus will replenish my soul...the body that will never deteriorate or pass away. He'll heal my hurts, conquer my sins, supply me with unending grace to boast only Him.

And while receiving Him is most undoubtedly the greatest part of the Eucharist, that's not all. We have the opportunity to kneel before Him and pray anytime we want. I've been making a firm effort to spend a little time in the Adoration chapel after mass lately. I'm able to not only know He's within me, but I can physically see Him as I talk to Him. Nothing fancy, just a little personal time with the One I constantly feel the need to crumble before. There are times, sometimes full days, I just need to fall at His feet and sob. Not because my life is miserable, even in all of its most miserable moments, my life is beyond beautiful (He makes my misery beautiful), but because He longs for me. I had never truly understood just how much He longs, until I answered that call.

I love hearing conversion stories so much because they remind me of my own. I tend to think most of the time that this only really started a couple of years ago. But in being honest with myself, I know it started much sooner before that. I read Psalm 139 and see evidence of this. And I fall in Love all over again...God I hope this never stops...

The older and wiser list...

So all this talk of relationships has beefed me up to throw the last of the reminders away. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate emotions? I hate dating. I hate the games and confusion and distractions. SO...it is finished.

I should probably be wrapping the rest of the presents that have been patiently waiting in the corner of my room for 3 months, but I'm just not in the mood. Maybe when it gets cold this weekend. So instead...I have decided to update my list. Except this isn't a flimsy, wishful list like before, this is what we like to call..the "non-negotiable list." These requirements are mandatory...absolutely no budging. And if I don't ever find anyone that meets this bill, fine by me..I'm okay on my own...but I refuse to compromise. I'm far too stubborn these days for that. I should also clarify that I am not looking. I'm burnt out on life at the moment. But I need to make this list while I'm not blinded by infatuation and especially while I'm not leaning towards a particular person.

Here goes in no particular order...

Must be a God-fearing Catholic man. Yes, that's right. I don't see a point in trying to make it work otherwise. I realize this screws me over as it eliminates 98% of the men I know as of right this minute. But take my word for it, you won't understand how to connect with someone like me fully if you don't even know what the word "liturgy" means. Not to mention, I've more than done my time as the only Catholic in my household! Dag nab it!

Must dedicate himself fully to me and God. I have to be second. God is first. Ministry needs to be in there somewhere too. I don't really care how. But we're called to be servants, not side-liners. Get out in the field men! Dedication includes: taking an interest in the things I like that you hate because I'll do the same for you, being patient with me when I'm in a funk (I have times when I overload myself, I need someone to take it off of me now and then), and rubbing my flipping feet once in a while...and my tummy when it hurts..you know that kind of thing.

Must understand I need things of my own too. I'll dedicate all of me that's available for another person, but I can't have someone up in my hair 24/7. I am a creative person. I need a little creative time here and there. Allow me that. And Mr. Kade can have that too. Guys need it too. Everybody does. Be be your own man within the confines of belonging to me. Impossible sounding? I think it can be done. =0P

Must possess some continuity within personality. No flip-flopping. Bi-polar applicants need not apply.

Must own at the very least, 4 Scott Hahn books. 4 is a good liturgical number.

Must adore every inch of my body and skin. Any negative remarks about my skin especially will get you kicked out. It's my number one insecurity, so leave it alone. Must not only adore all of me in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense. Our bodies are living temples for our Christ, we should treat them like we treat the Adoration Chapel. Both behold the same thing. Quick excerpt that demonstrates this from Scott Hahn's First Comes Love:

"Nothing my dad had told me about the facts of life, nothing I had learned in high school biology class, could have prepared me for that moment. The doctors allowed me to stay, to watch the operation. As the surgeon made his incisions, I beheld all of Kimberly's major organs (Hahn's wife). "Truly," I thought, "we are fearfully and wonderfully made!" Then came the moment, when from amid those organs, with a few careful movements of the doctor's hands, came the beautiful body of my baby boy, my first-born son, Michael. // But it was Kimberly's body that became something more than beautiful for me. Bloody and scarred and swollen with pain, it became something sacred, a living temple, a holy sanctuary, and an altar of life-giving sacrifice."

I have to have that. ^

Must possess a love for me beyond emotions and feelings, but of dependability. I don't believe that I'll always feel like loving someone else, but out of respect for the union, I will anyway. We're humans, we're all imperfect.

Must be a Republican. Enough said.

Must stand up for the issues (this goes along with the last requirement): abortion, birth control, stem-cell research, death penalty, etc.

Must take care of me. More specifically, I should emphasize that this includes my safety. God gave woman to man, I'm a gift, protect me as such.

Must genuinely want kids. Good kids, might I add! This means involvement. I'll do the grunt work. I'll feed them, clean them, drive them to school and soccer, but they need their superhero. And that should be you! That means serving as a role model in every aspect of life: as a husband, as a spiritual head, as a disciplinarian, as a friend, as a teacher.

And I guess to keep it reasonable and short...last but not least...

Must never abuse in any way, size, shape or form, me or anyone else, under ANY circumstances..or suffer severe consequences.



Hmm, good list I think. I may update it. But it's a good basis for the future. I think I'll go wrap cookies now...

Call upon the name of the Lord...

Wow. What a week! I am darned shocked I made it through. I've had so much to do, from tests and portfolios to turn in and final projects and papers. I just finished the last of the big stuff. My final project for my computer class. Wow, I am the MAC DADDY of PowerPoint I must say. I was really sad when I finished because everyone was already asleep..I desperately wanted someone else to watch it and share in the effort!! The assignment was to create a Word document, Excel document, Access document, and PowerPoint presentation for a business or vacation or something along those lines. They each had specific requirements, it was no small task, but I feel very good about mine. I chose to do a graphic design company, because...well..ha ha in a few years, I hope to have my own...or a kid...whichever comes first. I'll call it my 5 year plan! =0P Either get married and have a kid or start up my own design company. I'm cool with either. Come to find out, I'm a pretty self-sufficient woman. And I'm happy on my own too so if nothing comes along, then we're going to the bank kids! ;0P Anyhoo, for my project I created a company called "Creative Conceptions Design Co." and I designed projects for fake clients, which I did NOT have to do to include them in my presentation. I made a bunch of logos (which turned out really cool) and a web site AND a menu even. Yes, I am proud...can you tell? =0) I'm hoping I did everything asked..but if not..I did extra in other areas so maybe that'll compensate.

Oh, and then there was the paper for English 2 that I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning to complete 2 nights in a row. The first night I got to bed around 3am the second night I got to bed around 5am. Let me just say that finding a book on one of the authors you can do the project on for 7 dollars in the bookstore is NOT reason enough to choose them as your topic. Emily Dickinson is some difficult poetry to decipher. It was unbelievable. I had to find the patterns within her works and write 6 - 10 pages on them. Oh and I had to have a scholarly secondary source (I got yelled at because I used a Sparknotes book before on a previous paper, and excuse me..what else is there?! where are all the literary criticism books hiding out? certainly not at Barnes and Noble..I used what I could find..). So I went back to two bookstores and all I could find was a 30 dollar biography on the woman which I will never use again. For peace of mind, I bought the stinking thing, proceeded onto Dunkin' Donuts only to find out they had NO donuts left. What the heck? Then why is your sign still lit? I was having a rough night...I had no study food..so I was sad. =0( But I did get through it. Got all my discussions posted and got the stupid paper sent in and now I'm free!

Except! I still need to finish my final project for Drawing I and study for my math final on Wednesday. The final project is a 30 inch by 40 inch mat board, which I am supposed to draw a photographic portrait of someone I know on. I chose Brittany, she has angular and defined features which makes her somewhat easier to reproduce. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping she'll still love me afterwards. =0P I'll post pictures when its done.

THEN after that is all done. I'm going back to work at Hallmark later this week. At least I think later this week. I haven't gotten my exact schedule just yet all I know is that I'm going back sometime after the 13th. So, life is nuts. And I'm feeling the hurt of the college life. I'm about an inch away from joining the monastery...no seriously. And this time, I'm really serious. ;0)

So yes, this has been a really challenging semester in every form and fashion! Lord, can I revoke the "test me and grow me" prayer!? I was really just kidding...


In other news, I went to my second Confession last night. It was pretty wonderful. There was another little family waiting so I had 3 people in front of me. All of which went really quick. And I had been nervous about it in weeks past, but I just prayed for peace and God gave it to me. I was still a little nervous when I went in, but I was fortunate enough it was Father Paddy, who is so great at putting me at ease. And I just poured my heart out (in general form, I wasn't TOO charitable =0). And just like that, the grace just poured in. I felt that load off my shoulders everyone always talks about. Afterwards I went into the Adoration chapel for a little alone time with Jesus and I was all by myself. It was wonderful. I'm wondering how I ever made it in life without it. Aside from the traditional covenant connections, (eating the paschal lamb/the flesh and blood of the Lamb, the Holy of Holies/the Adoration chapel..etc.) there are so many things made available to us Catholics that make the journey that much sweeter. I love knowing I can go and pray there anytime I want. I love that we have the Stations of the Cross out front and an outdoor Rosary. Anytime I want I can go. Everything just feels so much more deepened. And reconciliation, I think I already covered that..but wow. This is where it's at.

I was talking with someone else earlier about how the C&E's (those who only attend church on Christmas and Easter) are missing out. It's like going to mass is what keeps our heart beating, and to only go twice a year, you'd have an irregular heartbeat! I didn't come up with that, a friend did, but it's so true. We have this beautiful faith and yet so many of us pay it no attention. Or we go through phases. One year we dedicate ourselves to growing and attach ourselves to the things that deepen our faith. Then others, we still go, but we're not all there. We rush through mass. We say a few prayers at bedtime and read once a month. But we might as well be half dead then because that's no life at all! When I really sit and think about it the time I have been happiest in my life were all times where it was just me and God. I wasn't focused on something else. I wasn't focused on my wants. I may have had blessings still, but I wasn't more attached to the blessing than God Himself. I'm really trying to get back into that. I want that fixation where I'm just so addicted and drunk with the Spirit I can hardly see straight. MAN I miss that feeling.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this, I'm just pouring thoughts out onto the page I guess. Such is a blog. =0P It's 12:45am..I think I need a shower and some prayer time and reading time and bed!

Peace be with you always...

Just HAD to post this..

So Father J off of lifeteen.org (Catholic youngin' mass group) is pretty awesome. I always love reading Q&A sessions with respectable people...and I came across this and thought it was rather well put!

Q: So I met this girl the other day and we've been talking. Last night we talked until almost 3 in the morning. She is great, and I'm starting to feel that maybe she's "the one." How do you if you are really falling in love?

Oh, what memories. I remember those days when I was young and long before I started thinking about becoming a priest and every day was yet another chance to find the girl of my dreams. Like every other young person who has ever lived I wrestled with the question... "How will I know when I'm in love?" Poets and artists have tried to bring the question to life through out the ages and although they get close, even with all their still they fell short. I thought that maybe love could be defined in a feeling... like if I felt good around the person, then that must be love, but all I found out was that I had hormones. No feelings by themselves, no matter how strong, were ever going to be the gauge of true love. See, that's the problem... it isn't just one thing.

Unfortunately, they're are a lot of people who don't choose to see that. They think that if someone makes them feel a certain way, or let's them touch them a certain way (this could be from hand holding to the other extreme of having sex) then that must be love... and it just isn't. True love isn't found in a touch, no matter how passionate it is at the time.

You say that you're talking... that's good, really it is... but you also say that you just met this girl the other day. Try to keep in mind that "falling in love" takes time. When we first meet someone who we are attracted to our minds get pushed out of the way by our hearts and all that comes out is... "I will love this person for the rest of my life." Well, sort of, for most young people you will deeply and passionately love someone forever... until next week. I lost count of how many times my little sister came home and announced that she had found "Mr. Right," when, in fact she had found "Mr. Right at that moment."

When St. Paul spoke about the qualities of love in The First Letter to the Corinthians (Chapter 13 is where this thought is coming from) and he mentioned that it must be patient, kind, never jealous and so forth he was mentioning a process that had to be lived out every day, not just a feeling for a day or a week. Love must be patient through a lifetime of getting to know a person. Love must be kind through the years of not always getting "your way." Love must never be jealous of the successes both people will have even when those successes don't come at the same for both persons. Love must be of God, which means it must take its time and grow in intensity and wisdom and holiness. I know that as I'm writing this that there are a lot of people who look at it and say,

"I can't wait. I'm too in love with my girlfriend or boyfriend and I want to experience everything right now, because there might be no tomorrow! I will never feel this much in love ever again, nothing will ever be this right as what I feel for this person. What does Fr. J know--he's a priest! He's forgotten what it means to be young and in love!"

The truth is that I haven't forgotten all the mistaken experiences of love that I had when I was young. I remember every time I believed with all my heart that I had just met the love of my life. I'll never forget those people who I could have loved better by loving them holier. I think back often to the words someone once said to me, "Most young people don't marry the persons the date in High School, so that means they're going out with someone else's future husband or wife." Think about it yourself... are you treating the person your with right now with the respect you would have for a married person? I know that I didn't always do that when I was young and it still hurts to think about the times I mistook lust for love, hormones for the intimacy that can only be reached through letting God be in the heart of your love.

By all means keep talking on the phone and getting to know this girl better, but can the "falling in love" stuff can wait for now. Get to know her as a person, pray with her and get to her as a person of faith, and let the love that may be there come out when God knows you are ready.

Holy Spirit Come..

A few years ago I heard a sermon at Grace Family by Rich McFarlin titled "Who's the Third Guy?!" The message was on the Holy Spirit and about how a lot of times He just gets left out. But He's just as much a part of the Trinity as the Father and the Son, so why do we do that? Since then, I've been making an effort to remember Him. To make sure my ears are open when I'm reading Scripture and He's being talked about. And over the last few years I've got to say, I'm really liking what I'm seeing! However, the last few months, I haven't been making as much of an effort as I have been. I could probably give some great sounding excuses right about now but let's just cut to it and say that I've been lazy. =0P

The other night in Neophytes Deacon John revived my passion to want to know the Spirit. He was relating an experience he had at a healing mass he had been to with his family when he was still in the deaconate up north. He was invited to this special mass by a priest he was close with so he figured he'd go. He wasn't too sure about all the freaky falling and such though. So him and his family go, they sit in the back, they participate in the mass, but they've made their minds up they're not going to be jumping around. The time came and the priest invited the parish to come forth if they wanted to be prayed over. So the fun began...people were having hands laid on them and they were falling left and right! Much to Deacon John's surprise his son, who wasn't the strongest or most interested in his faith, went up to see just what was going on. So he goes up, the priest lays hands on him and prays over him. He comes back to his seat BEAT red, flushed with heat. Deacon John starts thinking, "well sheesh! if he's going to go up, I might as well!" So he gets up, deliberately leans in towards the priest so he would be able to keep his balance and keep from falling in the event that anything funky happened. Father laid hands on him, started to pray and Deacon prayed himself, "Holy Spirit Come to me.." and instantly, he was about 12 inches from the ground when he realized he was on his way down. He said it was the most peaceful feeling he's ever felt and laying there he thought, "this is nice, I'll just stay for a few minutes.." 25 minutes later, he gets up and goes and sits back down.

WOW! And who says Catholics are boring!?!?! I personally thought that was awesome!! I've never had a problem with the "freaky" stuff that the Holy Spirit sometimes brings. Do I believe some people are putting on a show with some of it sometimes and faking it? Of course...we're humans. We take everything great God gave us and make a mockery out of it! That's just what we do...but that doesn't mean the Holy Spirit isn't alive and well and still able to come upon us. We may not fall, we may not prophecy and speak in tongues...but we may just be able to discern a little bit better what God wants out of us if we'll truly open up our hearts and listen.

That is my goal over the next year. It's no secret, I've changed. I've flipped my world upside down this past year. And I've never been more connected with our Lord and the Church as I am now in the Eucharist. But I recognize, I need to get back to being settled somewhere. I need to find the ministry I'm called to as a Catholic. Maybe it's worship, but maybe it's something else. This whole experience has taught me to never ever box God up. I may think I know what is good for me, but I'm also wise enough to know that sometimes what I think isn't always what it is! And sometimes what I think I don't want, ends up being exactly what I need.

I don't really know where I'm going. I know God's got something, but I have no earthly idea of what it is just yet. In a year I'll be graduating from HCC...that's as far as I've gotten. This is a very new feeling for me..I'm usually so sure about everything and I ALWAYS have a plan. But now...I have no plan. No safety net. Just a book and an open heart...

I'm hoping that somewhere along the lines God will open me up to a group of people. People who can help me grow in my faith and keep me from ever growing stagnant. People who will continually help me to realize that I'm not perfect, but encourage me. Encourage me to be more patient, more kind, more loving, more concerned with others, and definitely more willing to help those in need. Less me, more of You. I've had my selfish time. It's not very satisfying. I surrender again for the 3 thousandth time.

That is my prayer, Holy Spirit come...discern Your will for me within me...