To Collin..

I haven't written on this thing in forever. Probably because most of my posts are retarded. But also because for the last year I was a newly wed trying to adjust to married life and 3 months after getting married we learned I became pregnant!


So this blog is dedicated to my sweet little baby boy. I will write down his full birth story another time, but for now this will be my condensed version.


So...the night I went into active labor it was November 4th, 2011. Kona's 1st Birthday! That morning I got so excited about Kona's birthday celebration I decided to make her a birthday crown. I did. It was adorable! I put it on her and took lots of pictures. My 1st baby was 1! I remember thinking wouldn't it be cool if I had you on Kona's birthday? But then I thought maybe you wouldn't want to share the same birthday as the dog. Who knows?? Anyway, Daddy came home from work and Mommy and Daddy went to go get Kona some birthday treats from Petsmart and to pick up my degree which was ready from the framing department at JoAnn Fabrics. So...all through Petsmart and all through JoAnn's my usual nightly series of painful contractions started up again. I had always heard, you are not in "real" labor unless you can't talk through your contractions. I could talk through them, I just didn't really like to. But I was a trooper. We made it through both stores and headed home. Kona was so happy with our selections of birthday presents. We allowed her to stick her entire head into a big bag of doggie treats and pick out as many as she could get in her mouth. She was in heaven. As fun as that was though I just needed to rest. So after a shower, I laid down to sleep. Daddy did too. Only no matter which way I rolled or laid or sat or stood, I could NOT get comfortable. Every time I laid down the contractions only became more unbearable. I so desperately wanted to let Daddy sleep because I wasn't entirely sure if it was time to go or not. Maybe these contractions would stop or slow down like so many times before. Only they didn't let up. I got up out of bed and went downstairs. I tried exercising and stretching and to no avail - I was miserable. A a few hours later around 1am - Daddy was snoring by this point - I decided to take a bath and if that didn't help I would have Daddy call the doctor. So I get in the tub, the contractions kept on. It was a very prolonged, dull pain. I had them every 3 - 4 minutes and you are supposed to call if they are 5 minutes apart or less. So I called for Daddy from the other room and told him to call the doctor. I just couldn't take it anymore. The doctor said to go into the hospital. So at about 2:30am we hopped into the car. On the way I swear I felt like they might be getting better or maybe I just wanted them to (the contractions, that is) because I was so scared of what was about to happen. But we arrived at the hospital a little bit before 3am. Went into the triage unit where a nurse checked me out to say whether the hospital would or would not admit me. She did. This was it. We were having a baby!


Before I go any further, let me just say I thought labor would be easier for me. I am small, I am flexible, I am in shape, and I am a very determined little lady. I did not expect any complications. I did everything I could to take good care of you while you were growing in the womb but you never know.


So we got into the labor and delivery room. First, they monitored my contractions for a little while. Then they decided to give me my epidural, break my water and give me some pitocin (a drug that helps speed contractions up) to speed the contractions the rest of the way so I could begin to push. So they started the drugs. I felt great. The epidural worked wonders and enabled me to just feel a slight pressure when having a contraction. I could barely tell I was having them anymore. Then about an hour later I started to feel a lot of pressure. Then a lot more. Then too much. Then full blown horrific pain. I shook the bed rails. I was wailing and screaming for help. A different anesthesiologist than the one who put my original epidural in was out in the hall and came in to see what all the noise was about. The look on his face scared me. I could tell my agony scared the heck out of him. There was fear in his eyes. He quickly apologized and said he doesn't usually work the women's hospital he works the ER at the regular hospital but he would try to find my doctor and see if he could help somehow. He also said he had never in all his years ever seen any one in this much pain. Clearly he hadn't seen labor before, poor guy! So he got the okay from my doctor and redid my epidural and said it should start to kick in within about 15 minutes. That felt like eternity. Yet 15 minutes came and went with no relief. Then 20. Then 30. I was dying. He came back in and gave my an extra shot of pain relief. Within another 20 minutes I finally felt a little better. Not entirely better but enough to have helped me stop screaming. My OBGYN came back in, checked my progress and told me it was time to start pushing. In the movies, most times women push twice and then there's a baby. I had no idea you could push for long amounts of time with no kid. I pushed for 3 hours. It didn't hurt at that point really, I was just so exhausted I didn't think I could go on. I hadn't slept in 36 hours and now I had to push with all my might to give birth. Unthinkable. I didn't think I could do it. Finally the doctor said if we couldn't get you out soon she would have to try the vacuum. I was scared of it but knew we had to do it. I felt no progress. You still didn't come out. Finally she used the vacuum and she said if we couldn't get you out in the next couple pushes she would have to do a C-section (my worst nightmare) so I accepted that I might die trying but I was going to do this. I pushed with all my might and out came baby's head. Then at approximately 1:31pm I gave another set of 3 pushes and out came shoulders and the rest of you. I heard a very faint cry. I opened my eyes for a split second but didn't see you. All I saw was about 20 people in the room. I was scared to death. They put you on my belly for a moment but I couldn't look. From the way that it felt, I was scared to death I was bleeding to death and I didn't want my first glimpse of you to be while I was consumed with fear. I wanted that special intimate family moment. I soon learned that there was something wrong and that you would need to be taken away to be checked out more carefully. I opened my eyes. I was terrified they wouldn't let me see you. Finally the sweet nurse taking you to the nursery asked if I got to hold you yet and I said no!!! She brought you over for what felt like half a second. I saw you and you were gone. Daddy showed me a picture he took on his camera. That was my first good glimpse of you. My first reaction...tears. I could not believe it..you looked exactly like me. I felt a bit of disappointment because I thought you were going to look just like your Daddy and I wanted him to have that with you and I felt like I took that from him. I couldn't have controlled who you would have taken after so I don't know why I felt that way but I did. But the most honest truth...I was so honored. I was in awe that my little boy looked just like me. And just like my dad...Grampy. The Grampy you got your middle name from. =0) By the way, you were fine the doctors said after all. Your blood platelets were low, but they came back to normal after a bit. And now, you are completely perfect.


Finally we were wheeled off to the room we would be in for the next few days. You came in 3 hours later. Everyone gathered in our room rushed out into the hall to get the first glimpse of you. That actually made me quite mad. I wanted a minute with you first and I didn't want to be the last one on the totem pole to hold you!! Daddy came back in after a minute and said everyone got kicked out of the hall for being noisy and that they weren't supposed to do that. I secretly was glad. No where is my Collin!?!?!? The same sweet nurse brought you straight over to me and Daddy. It didn't feel real. You were so tiny and so sweet with that little teeny tiny button nose and rose colored cheeks. You were beautiful. No...you were really beautiful. We just wanted to get lost in you. You were so precious. Finally after 10,000 cameras in your face someone asked if we wanted everyone to leave. I didn't think or really even care..I just yelled YES! We wanted time with you all by ourselves before we shared you with the masses. And we got it. I couldn't stand from the epidural making my leg feel funny so Daddy took care of you the first 24 hours. Daddy took the BEST care of you the first 24 hours. And then a few days later we were able to bring you home. You were all ours...forever.



Collin, you have changed my life. In all the best possible ways. Saying "I love you" would not begin to envelope all the joy that you have brought to my life and to all of those who love you. You are the best gift God could have ever given me. I will always treasure that first smile every morning when you get your first glimpse of me. That makes me feel like the most special mommy in all the world..because its "my" smile. You don't do that smile for anyone else but for me. I love when I pick you up and you wrap your little baby arms around me and massage my neck with your little fingers. You just want to hold onto me so tight for support. There are no worries little one. I will never let you go. Always know that I love you unconditionally. That you are such a wonderful addition to our family. In fact, you make our family. And I can only hope God would be so gracious to allow us the joy of giving you siblings someday. I hope they turn out as perfect as you...


Also know that Kona is not your big sister, she is another mommy. She is your little mommy. She loves to kiss your fingers and toes and sometimes even your face. And while its bad I love watching you laugh when she does it. She protects you. I hope you will be the best of friends someday. She is a little ornery, but she is very loyal and very loving. Feed her the foods you don't want, she will be your best friend forever.


And now...I am off to watch you sleep my sweet little munchkin....

Freebird

Tonight I did something I rarely do. I rolled the windows down on the way home from Parish Council on the Expressway and turned my radio up. I was lucky enough to hear the new Tim McGraw song as the chilly air hit my face. It felt grand. I wondered why I hadn't done it sooner. It seems most of my travel time to point A or B is spent glancing down at the clock, wondering why I can't make it there faster or how many meals I can make out of the ingredients I have in the fridge for the week so to avoid the grocery store pit stop. But very rarely, do I just relax and enjoy it. I wonder why.

Instead of anxious thoughts, I found myself recapping the good times spent with fellow council members this past year on the way home. A compliment someone gave me on my hair. A genuine smile and handshake from a new member, a hug from our joyous office secretary. The way I introduced myself and what I chose to share about my life to the boardroom. I noticed there's a lot to be happy for tonight.

And then the thoughts shift from everything else about my day, to one thing. Ryan. The loving smile that will greet me from the couch when I walk into the room. The snug fit of his arms around me. The pillow that lies next to me that assures me that is where he will lay his head this evening. Everyone wants to know how married life is. That is my answer. He's still all I want to think about. We don't always have the same interests, we don't always play fair when we bicker. But I don't really care. He's the one who is always tugging at me to roll down the windows. It feels grand.

Top Things I'm Obsessed with at the Moment...

R-Y-A-N
Buttery, Salty Bagels
Berries
Lovesick by Lindstrom & Christobelle
Summertime by Kenny Chesney
We Went Out Last Night by Kenny Chesney
Cruising to Clearwater Beach after mass on Saturday nights
SUN
Laughing like no time has passed with old friends (yes that means you!)
Sangria
Getting better at taking pictures
ELF - Eyes Lips Face
Short, airy sundresses
New fuchsia nail polish
Work -- believe it or not ornaments are actually fun
Dancing with the girls
Dancing with Ryan
Cranberry juice with a smidge of water added
Working out legs and abs
Rolling Kasey over the floor -- he freaking loves it
"Come on sucker lick my battery"/ Binary solo -- FOTC
NOT doing any planning for the wedding =0P
Getting ideas for "our" house
Telling Ryan I'm moving in, in X number of days and watching his eyes roll
Telling Ryan he's crazy
Magazines
Trying to stay on top of shaving my legs rather than being an ape
Funky new hairstyles
Flip flops
Planning girl's weekend
Linux Journal
Colored lights
Large glass bottles of odd shapes and sizes
Talking geek
Singing -- again and wanting to get better
Keeping up with my Facebook
Pro-Health Mouth Rinse -- Green kind -- exhilarating!
Getting things for super cheap
Experimental cooking
Hawaii - I must daydream 20 times a day about laying on the beach without a care in the world...

Change

It has been a few months since I've last blogged. Truth is, life has changed. All of it. On March 13th, 2010 at approximately 6:45pm Ryan got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.


Things haven't been the same since. Overwhelmed with joy and equipped with a sincere determination to marry the man I met back in January of last year, I've started to plan the day we will become one person. You know it's funny...I never thought it would feel quite like it does. It's taken up until about a few weeks ago to have any of it feel real to me. With the weight of school on my shoulders, I couldn't allow myself to get too caught up in the excitement. Now that the stress is gone, the door is open to allow myself to fall in. It's been such an awakening. I never realized how stressful, how busy things would become in such a few short months. It's put a strain on every area of my life -- even my relationship with Ryan. Although there are spats here and there, I am confident this incredible juggling act we've been performing will only bring us closer together. As excited as I am to become 'one' I am much more excited to be 'one.'

Tonight is also my first day back from West Virgina. It was incredible to see all the places where Ryan grew up. His first school, his church, his childhood home. Where he played after school, where he peed off a cliff. You name it. I now know it all.

After a week of solid togetherness, it feels nice to be back in our town where I have all of my firsts. Tonight I felt such a need to sing. It's been a while, as I've been so busy. But I open my mouth and the vocal chords go to work. What a release from all the pent up emotions. What a blessing to be able to express it all through my favorite medium. I sometimes wonder how the songs will change. You know how songs chronicle your life at that particular moment. At least, I am that way. It's astounding to think at this very moment next year I will be in a different house with a different name.

I thank God, I've been fortunate to find the life that I have. I know it's no accident, I am very much aware that I could not have built this by myself. God is the master artist and what a picture He has given me to gaze upon! I feel so guilty as He has had to take 2nd priority some days and nights. I miss reading in depth. But I will make an effort to pick that back up this summer. I feel like more than anything my life is becoming ministry. The small chances I am able to have at work or walking down the aisles of the supermarket to share the love of Christ will have to suffice over volunteering long hours. But I have the hope of one day soon tacking that back on too...we will have to see.

What else? Programming is chugging along. I will begin looking for internships somewhat soon. But even though I feel confident in programming, reading job requirements I feel quite confident shooting for Unix/Linux as well. I am amazed how much I have absorbed in just a short year and a half. My geekdom is growing! But I thirst for more! I will have the summer off (as my courses are not offered in the summer that I need). I will pick up COBOL, VB, and Systems Analysis in the Fall, with the capstone grad course in the Spring. May 2011 should hold a degree for me. I can then start looking at FSU and other schools for online bachelor degree programs. Probably leaning towards FSU at this point pending a trip to Tallahassee. We will have to see.

Other than that, just sitting back enjoying the view. I wouldn't bet on blog posts at the rate I typically post as I am losing my grip on ample computer time these days. After the wedding and honeymoon perhaps! =0)

Hope all is well...

C YA IE6

My inbox tonight held a loving message for me...from the boys at thinkgeek that make my heart pitter patter...[they wrote]...

Oh frabjous day!

In a missive that made designerds and code monkeys everywhere swoon with Valentiney love, our sweetheart Google announced they would stop supporting IE6. Or as our codeslingers call it, IE666. Google pulled out their vorpal blades and with a snicker-snack, they left IE6 dead. Hearing the news was just like being in high school and getting a pass out of P.E. We are chortling with joy. Callooh! Callay! We love you, Google. Muah! Now, if you could only do something about Comic Sans and Papyrus fonts...

Lord of the Dance..

Every mass is mass, so every mass is wonderful and holy. But every now and then I come across one that really awakens my soul from its typical rut. Today held one of those masses. Our music director played a song and I just couldn't help but smile right in the middle of it from the joy and love God poured into me throughout it this morning...my cup runneth over, Lord...Yours is truly the greatest love story..


I danced in the morning when the world was begun
I danced in the Moon & the Stars & the Sun
I came down from Heaven & I danced on Earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth:

Dance then, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said He!

I danced for the scribe & the pharisee
But they would not dance & they wouldn't follow me
I danced for fishermen, for James & John
They came with me & the Dance went on:

I danced on the Sabbath & I cured the lame
The holy people said it was a shame!
They whipped & they stripped & they hung me high
And they left me there on a cross to die!

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back
They buried my body & they thought I'd gone
But I am the Dance & I still go on!


They cut me down and I leapt up high
I am the Life that'll never, never die!
I'll live in you if you'll live in Me -
I am the Lord of the Dance, said He!

Netiquette

The anthem of internet use:

http://www.albion.com/netiquette/corerules.html